Now That Matthew Judon Has to Take a Drug Test, We Can All Agree There's Nothing Random About the NFL's Random Screening Policy, Right?

Boston Globe. Getty Images.

There are many ways to explain the season Matthew Judon is having, what with him behind only Nick Bosa in sacks and QB Hits and Top 10 in tackles for loss. You could point to the fact that at 30, he's in his prime as a defensive end. Or attribute his success to his excellent technique as well as the emergence of Josh Uche on the other side, as Brian Baldinger has:

But the NFL has other ideas:

We don't know yet if Judon's latest "random" test has come up positive for banned substances, over-the-counter sleep aids or vibes. What we do know for sure is that his bloodwork is going to show massive amounts of skepticism about exactly how "random" it was. And speaking just for me at this moment, I'm well over the legal limit of the NFL's bullshit on this issue. Because there is a long history of guy's numbers just happening to coincide with outstanding performances from them. 

Most recently, Kenyan Drake after a 24-carry, 94-yards, two touchdown performance on Monday Night Football:

Just before that, AJ Brown was rewarded for his six-catch, 156-yard, three TDs performance with a visit from the Pee Patrol as well:

Over the summer, the Saints Blake Gillikin arbitrarily drew the short straw immediately after booming a punt in preseason:

Then of course there was Myles Garrett who defied all the odds of chance by getting tested THREE times in seven weeks. Coincidentally after bringing America on a visit to the Gun Show:

Maybe all these players are dead wrong, and so am I. Maybe we're all just committing acts of ergo propter hoc, a logical fallacy that claims because event Y followed event X, event Y must have been caused by event X. That we're seeing causation where there is none. The American Dictionary of Psychology defines False Correlation as, "the practice of drawing conclusions about cause and effect based solely on observations of a relationship between variables." And that if we looked at the sum total of all drug tests we'd see a random distribution; just as many among defensive ends after they generate zero QB pressures, running backs after 35 yard nights, punters who shank a kick, and players with Spongebob arms. 

But it's hard not to look at the empirical evidence and not see a pattern here of targeted testing. Unfortunately Judon and the other examples I've cited have the weakest union in all of America. One that's not capable of pushing back on this. So as a Judon fan, all I can do is hope he keeps putting out the sort of production that convinces the league they need all his pee. And that he keeps turning up positive for huge doses of vibes in his system.

You can't get produce these in a lab. Nevertheless, we might as well brace ourselves for his negative test still costing the Patriots a 1st round pick. That's the way the NFL rolls.