Fire Chief's Wife Casually Dumps 50 Pounds of Human Feces in Front of Her Local Police Station
As is always the case in these "Does This Look Like the Face of ..." stories, this one is a resounding YES. She looks like a drunker, wheezier version of Mac's mom on It's Always Sunny. So let's dispense with that. Instead, I say we focus on the NY Post's legendary Pun Game. Because given that headline, should be good for at least a half dozen. Let us count the ways:
Source - Someone is on this Texas woman’s crap list.
Mindy Janette Stephens, 46, the wife of an assistant fire chief, allegedly dumped about 50 pounds of “human s–t” in front of the Electra Police Department last week, KXAN reported.
A police officer noticed a person making a suspicious deposit in front of the station on East Cleveland Avenue on Thursday, authorities said.
“He went outside to see what was going on and discovered three, 5-gallon buckets of what appeared to be human waste,” an affidavit posted by Law & Crime states.
The officer also saw a person clad in a hazmat suit and ... "a female stated that the buckets were human s— and she was dropping them off. She then got in the vehicle and drove off,” the affidavit says.
A police lieutenant reviewed the surveillance video and recognized Stephens’ voice, officials said. ...
Police Chief Terry Wooten then contacted City Administrator Steve Bowlin about the malodorous matter and noted that the woman is the wife of the assistant fire chief.
Bowlin,who also is a local firefighter, reportedly told Wooten that he would raise a stink with Stephens and order her to “come pick up the buckets or she could face charges.”
But the woman refused to clean up her mess and said it was “not her problem,” the affidavit says. ...
A motive for the recent smelly episode was not known.
Well done. It's always rewarding to watch great artists work in their true medium. Journalism is surely not dead as long as our major news outlets are capable of wordplay on that level. And I'd expect nothing less given the subject matter. Delivering a poop story to the Post's In Box is like serving up a belt high fastball with no movement to Aaron Judge. These puns still haven't come down. And no doubt they left another 10 or so double entendres on the editing room floor.
As to Mindy Janette Stephens, what can you say? Other than to just stand back and admire her. Her drive. Her dedication. Her commitment to the cause. So many of us try to hide our craziness, but not her. She steers right into the skid.
I'd say most people with a beef against a local government agency would never even consider dumping their own poo into the pavement outside the precinct house to get even with them. And of those, few would ever actually try it. And among even that small percentage, the vast majority would give up after just a few bowel movements, decide enough is enough, drive down there with barely enough to fill a beach pail, dump it out and call it a day. Score settled.
But not our girl Mindy Janette. Boy howdy, she has got heart that should be the envy of the world. She must've spent months filling those. And living with the odor while she just kept adding content to buckets like she was completing a very dark Survivor Challenge. I bet she's still got a ring around her bottom from the buckets, but no quit in her. Whatsoever.
And what makes it most admirable, is she did it knowing she'd get caught. She is, as the arrest reports often put it, "known to the police." Town officials know her voice. She's married to the assistant fire chief, for crying out loud. Not to mention, if the cops really wanted to nail her, they could get CSI: Electra to run a DNA test on the Weapon of Ass Destruction (take that, Post!) and get a positive ID on the source.
To pull such a move anywhere is a rare boldness few of us could ever summon the courage to pull off. But in a town where everyone knows each other? It's super human. I don't know much about Electra, but it's probably a town like Schitt's Creek (unintentional, but I'll take credit for that one too) in that everyone knows everyone else personally. And no hazmat suit is going to help you escape justice. And she went ahead and carried out her diabolical plan all the same. We all deserve someone like Mindy Janette Stephens in our lives, having our back. You just don't ever want to end up on the wrong side of her back.