Sam Bankman-Fried Broke His Silence on the FTX Scandal with Some Absolute Trainwreck Interviews

Craig Barritt. Getty Images.

I don't go far back enough in the Boomer generation to be one of those writers who quotes Bob Dylan. But he did have an album in the 80s that got some airplay, and one line of his wormed its way into my ear and has proven handy from time to time. "Steal a little and they throw you in jail," he nasally droned. "Steal a lot and they make you a king." 

Possibly no one has ever stolen as much as Sam Bankman-Fried. Or whatever term he's using for making billions of dollars of other people's wealth vanish overnight. Transferred. Unwisely invested. Misplaced. Wrapped up inside a newspaper and accidentally handed to Mr. Potter because he forgot to look at the string around his finger like the irresponsible wet-brained imbecile he is. And while we haven't yet made SBF king, we haven't put him behind bars yet, either. 

Instead, he's giving interviews. One to the New York Times that he claims was against the advice of his lawyers. It better have been, otherwise they should all be disbarred. Because it was positively bonkers, from beginning to end. And not in the good way, like Harrison Ford hating to talk to some entertainment reporter to plug a movie or a quality Kanye West meltdown. This was bonkers in that way that just does more damage to his defense. On an already open-and-shut case of massive, widespread, criminally-negligent fraud. 

Holy cats. Check out the way this degenerate slacker presents himself here and tell me you'd trust him leave your porch without checking if he included the extra sweet & sour sauce you ordered. Never mind with your life savings. Would it have killed him to put on a collared shirt at least? You can't tee off at the local muni looking like this. But his answer to some guy he bankrupted does the impossible, by being worse than his appearance:

Not just sorry. Deeply sorry. Not sorry enough to return your $2 million and make you whole again. That all somehow went to the hedge fund one of my weirdo polygamy cult girlfriends runs. And you'll be spending the rest of your life trying to remember other people's sweet & sour sauce. Or sorry enough to leave the luxury house in the Bahamas I'm talking to you from and face justice in the U.S. But I am, truly, deeply, wicked, wicked sorry. So are we good?

Still, credit to SBF where it's due. This isn't the kind of forum where you expect to work on your tight-5 for Open Mic Night. But this crowd was hot. He got a huge laugh with this "bad month" line:

Then while he's rolling, he took his act to Good Morning America, where George Stephanopoulos actually got to sit down with him face-to-face. And rather than make a citizen's arrest, asked how much he's worth. To which SBF claimed he's down to his last $100,000. 

Or, to be more accurate, someone else's last $100 K. 

I get these are journalists just trying to curry favor with a notorious public figure long enough to get an interview that will generate eyeballs on screens. That's the job. But is there a lack of outrage here, or is it just me? Bankman-Fried is getting laugh lines and empathetic questions on how his Ponzi scheme has affected him. Meanwhile Elon Musk gets talked about like he's a war criminal for buying a platform to promote his concept of free speech with his own money. This human unmade bed just flushed the generational wealth of an untold number of families, and he's pretty much getting treated like he's come on GMA to demonstrate how to make nutritious holiday snacks the kids will keep asking for.

Well as someone fortunate enough to not have enough money for FTX to have pissed away, all I can do is hope he keeps these interviews up. Hearing him talk makes it all the more fascinating that otherwise successful, intelligent people would hand their life savings over to him.