This Guy - A 1999 Powerball Winner - Tells CNN The Biggest Mistakes A Lottery Winners Can Make

So the Powerball is hot in the streets right now. I stupidly didn't play because instead of actually being a rich guy, I was parading around Scottsdale, AZ with Francis acting like I'm rich. It sucks, as the winning ticket was solid in Los Angelas before I could get my meaty hands on it.

Let's break down his lessons 1 by 1, but first, I'm gonna start by saying this: if a person has this haircut...

… he's not allowed to tell me to do ANYTHING, let alone how to blow my lottery winnings (responsibly).  Hey loser, Flock of Seagulls called and they want their guitarist back!!! 

Here are his two tidbits of advice:

1. Hire a financial advisor:

Ummmm what the fuck? Say I just took home the $2.04B jackpot in the powerball. This guy wants me to go get some dude who's NOT a billionaire to tell me, a billionaire, how to handle my money? That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Why would I listen to some poor, broke-as-a-joke millionaire how to be "responsible" with my money if he (or she, or they, this is 2022) is exceptionally less wealthy than I am? On top of that, I'd being paying what I imagine is a LARGE sum of money to that person that's supposed to be "guiding" me on how to not blow my money. Ya want to know how to NOT blow money? By blowing money on financial advisors. 

It's almost as if this guy WANTS me to piss through my money and that he's a plant by CNN. Go fucking figure. 

2. Money does NOT buy happiness:

I, unfortunately, am a poor. Not in the actual POOR poor sense. I own a house. I own a car. I have an Amex Platinum, nbd. But I also have to work to survive. My job consists of dealing with morons all day, both at the office and on the internet. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY - sans maybe that unhinged lunatic Kelly in Vegas - has a brain that works like mine. People like Francis are always telling me they "like to watch me" as if I'm a gorilla in behind a glass enclosure at the Zoo. I'm just constantly poked, prodded and filmed "being me" and it gets old. I don't like it and have grown to hate literally everyone and everything around me. 

If I won $2.04B I'd flip from being the most miserable human on earth to being the happiest cock sucker in the universe because I'd be richer than everyone around me. Spare me the "money buys time" bullshit this guy is spewing. Money buys happiness. I'd have my penthouse in Chicago so I could partake in summertime Chi activities then live off the grid somewhere warm for the winter with my butlers, bitches, and dog. Family and friends could fuck right off. Don't need 'em. 

On an actual serious note, Mark Cuban even agrees with me. Back in 2016, he was quoted saying this in the Dallas Morning News:

“You don’t become a smart investor when you win the lottery,” Cuban told the Dallas Morning News in 2016. “You can put it in the bank and live comfortably. Forever.”

I'll take Mark Cuban's free advice rather than the advice from some gas station attendant who was shilling unleaded (premium gas is a scam), snack foods and nicotine to minors prior to hitting it big. Fuck stocks, fuck investing, and fuck financial advice. Buy my summer and winter houses with cash then bank the rest. It's that simple, and if I don't succumb to what's probably an inevitable opioid and/or sex addictions, I'd go back to slinging smut and White Sox hot takes for Portnoy as an indentured servant. 

Easy peasy. Here's Cuban giving true blue ACTUAL advice to lottery winners: