What The Fuck Do You Do If A Giant Shark Jumps Onto Your Boat?

I am choosing my words very carefully because my boss is a known shark lover that became a best selling author writing about these beautiful creatures.

But seriously, what the fuck am I supposed to do if a prehistoric predator with razor sharp teeth hops onto my boat and looks at my fat ass the same way I look at a buffet? I know that I would have homecourt advantage since we are on a boat, where the shark cannot breathe out of its gills. But you don't survive as a species as long as sharks have by tapping out by being a literal fish out of water for a few seconds. Those jaws could probably lock down a full day later and I feel like there is probably a stat out there about how more humans get injured by a flailing sharks tail than their teeth.

I guess this is something I could probably ask Sydnie Wells before confronting my fears on Barstool Outdoors. Or I could just avoid being anywhere near the part of an ocean where a maneater bigger than me could live. Yeah I think I'm just gonna stick with that. Better safe than sorry.

P.S. I read in the description that this happened in New Zealand, which makes perfect sense considering how chill they were about an apex predator from the deep blue sea jumping on their boat as the soothing melodies of "Band On The Run" played in the background. If that shit happened to me, all you would've heard is the chaotic part of "Live And Let Die" playing, which would've no doubt led to me using that entire roll of toilet paper to clean myself off after meeting a murder machine up close and personal.

I know I said I wasn't going to slander sharks at all, but there's no chance Portnoy read this blog let alone read it through the P.S.