It’s A Fucking Miracle Russell Wilson’s Teammates Haven't Murdered Him Yet

AAron Ontiveroz/MediaNews Group/The Denver Post via Getty Images. Getty Images.

Jordie blogged this yesterday, but I’m legitimately stunned after reading this that I couldn’t find a follow-up tweet from that little weasel Schefter describing an emergency landing the Bronco’s team plane had to make after Jerry Jeudy and Melvin Gordon strangled Russell Wilson to death.

Not even a made-up one from Ben Volin.

The Broncos are the victims of one of two things right now:

1- A curse placed on them by the SEVEN sons-in-law of the late, former Bronco’s owner, Pat Bowlen.

(Sidebar - I covered this last year in a blog, but this doesn't get talked about enough.

Let’s also discuss the giant elephant in the room here though.

Pat Bowlen had SEVEN DAUGHTERS???

What kind of depraved shit was that man doing in his hey-day, sowing his wild oats to deserve that? Poor fucking guy.

This is just another perfect example of why I will never be able to relate to rich people too.

If I’m one of the 7 guys married to one of the 7 daughters, I’m rounding up my 6 brothers in law and saying, “fellas, what the fuck are we doing here? We married into royalty. And now we’re gonna just let them give it away and split the spoils up 7 ways? Let’s figure out a way to make this work.”)

2- A sick prank the likes of which we’ve never seen before. It’s almost as if Russell Wilson took a page straight out of the “How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days” movie playbook. (Sidebar - for a chick flick, this movie fucks)

Aside from the overtly passive-aggressive comments from Richard Sherman recently, 

and on twitter, 

and Doug Baldwin going public with the locker room drama he believes led to Wilson being traded, you really haven't heard of teammates having anything but good things to say about him.

But man oh man. Ever since this trade went down it's been one cringeworthy story after another with this guy. 

Like he's legit trying to "lose" the Denver Broncos (in ten days).

According to Beast Mode, he's gone Hollywood on his former teammates 

He's been fucking atrocious on the football field, and doesn't look in sync with anybody on his offense whatsoever. Yet that hasn't stopped him from conducting his post-game interviews with zero self-awareness.

He's dropped some of the most bizarre (and terrible) commercials for Subway anybody can remember ever watching on TV.

Been awkward as fuck on social media seemingly non-stop

Just been a complete prick to his teammates and coaching staff, in-game, on the sidelines:

and this ALL comes after showing up to his team's first game of the season dressed like a clown, then proceeding to stink the joint up.

And that was ALL after he introduced himself to the team, and Broncos nation, showing up to training camp in the ultimate small dick mobile.

Mind you, we're only in Week 8 guys!

Now, the most egregious shit he's pulled- being that asshole, whose need to get up, and not only stretch midflight by doing up and downs in the plane aisle, but doing fucking high knees? Are you kidding me bro?

Would you not murder somebody in cold blood who did this for FOUR HOURS of an 8-hour, trans-Atlantic flight while you're trying to sleep?

I've almost strangled people for doing far less- reclining so far back I can pick the dandruff out of the person's head with my teeth, kicking my seat from behind non-stop for 3 hours, blasting their iPad or iPhone volume with no headphones in, you name it. 

And of course Russell is one of those "aisle guys", who manages to make an awful experience for everybody, like flying, even worse, by being an inconsiderate prick. 

I'd bet big money he's also a guy who claps big time when the plane lands.

P.s.- These were good