I Wish I Had The Drive And Work Ethic Of A Homophobic Activist

The Washington Post. Getty Images.

This morning I took the train to work. I'm in a bad mood and I decided to wear a wool sweater (very itchy, BIG mistake). And then to make matters worse on the crowded train I heard what all New Yorkers dread….a subway activist. 

For you out of towners, a subway activist is not someone trying to lure you to eat big, bready sandwiches with too much mayo, but instead is a small woman with a thick accent screaming the "good news" into a seven dollar headset microphone that sounds like it's got extreme water damage. They're always holding a sign that is twice as big as them saying something like "MAKE A U TURN WITH YOUR LIFE OR YOU WILL BURN IN HELL."

I would MUCH rather see the homeless guy jerking off behind the trashcan (he's not good at hiding but he's doing his best) than listen to this small lady yell at me that I'm going to Hell. Like, 1) tell me something I don't know, and 2) did I mention this sweater is crazy fucking itchy? I'm basically already there, lady.

But because I don't have airpods and I can't risk being caught with wired headphones in public, as I listened to this woman struggle to pronounce "transgender" and "damnation", I realized, her drive and work ethic are unmatched. She is actually amazing.

Hear me out: This homophobe will spend hours in a hot, busy subway, just to yell. People give her dirty looks, and she doesn't care AT ALL. She isn't getting paid. This doesn't help her career. If she put this amount of work into something meaningful, we'd have cured cancer by now. But instead she chose the "yell for 14 hours a day to a bunch of New Yorkers who could not possibly care less". It's borderline admirable.  

If I could channel my inner Westboro Baptist and start treating my career like they do activism, I'd be the female Dave Chappelle. I'd have an EGOT. If I attacked my health with that much aggression? I'd be a mix between Joe Rogan and Gwyneth Paltrow. I'd live forever. 

These people are wild. They show up everywhere. They protest at funerals, parades, weddings; basically any type of event, they're there. That's commitment. They never take a day off. They never think "Oh they're bi-sexual, it's not full gay. Maybe we can chill on the homophobia." NOPE- THEY. ARE. THERE. They spent all night making their sign and they're ready. They really do have the Lord's strength, and if my podcast doesn't start getting more spins, I might have to join 'em.