Pablo Escobar's Hippos Are Still Running Amok In South America, And I Know Just The People To Call To Solve The Problem

This is a great story that I don't think enough people talk about. Or maybe I just gravitate towards things nobody gives a shit about and this is an example. Not sure. Nevertheless, I think it's hilarious that a drug kingpin has kinda/sorta fucked up the food chain in South America.

Just about everyone knows the Pablo Escobar story, but in case you don't, he was a dude from Colombia that got so caught up in the rat race that is life that he decided to start a multi-billion dollar cocaine smuggling enterprise. His story has been told in some form through great films like "Blow" with Johnny Depp and "Medellin" with Vincent Chase, two movies that both took home best picture awards at the Oscars. 

But what those stories don't tell you is that Pablo was a bit of an animal lover. Sure, he was directly responsible for the death of who knows how many people, but that didn't stop him from becoming a safe haven for pets from all over the globe. I'm not just talking about the standard pit bull mix you bought for $300 from the shelter in your town though, I'm talking exotic pets. Pets like giraffes and zebras and even hippos. 

Yes, hippos, one of the most dangerous animals on the planet. Escobar imported them from Africa, gave them free reign to do what they pleased, and eventually the hippos started hopping around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree. Aka they were fucking. Aka they were fucking and birthing more hippos, an animal not native to South America.

Not good! When you introduce an animal that has no natural predator of its own to any environment they're going to fuck things UP. The food chain is gonna get all sorts of out of whack. And that's what happened when Escobar died. The hippos bred like rabbits in the spring time and eventually started popping up all over the place 100s of kilometers away.

FINALLY they're doing something about it though. Here's the BBC update on Escobar's hippos:

They're overpopulating now, so people have been tasked with slicing their nuts off and thus far, it's been a struggle. Nobody wants to get close to them due to hippos having the ability to swallow people whole. Literally. 

I know how to fix that though; if they are serious about actually curbing this problem in Colombia, I know just the people to call:

It's hunting season. Barstool Sports has a hunting vertical, and it's a vertical I've inserted myself into plenty and without invitation. We are the PERFECT trip to figure out a way to snip the nuts of hippos. I've seen Sydnie Wells in her element when killing/gutting large animals, so hippos should be no sweat for her. Chief looks like a hippo right now so they'll think he's one of them and will be a perfect decoy/undercover agent. I tackle and maim gigantic cocaine-fueled beasts every Friday and Saturday night anyways so cocaine-fueled hippos will be a breeze ha ha 

If anyone from Colombia is reading this, my DMs are open. We just ask that you cover our travel, lodging, meals and throw us something on top as a sweetener. 

Real talk - Chief, Sydnie and I are planning out our fall deer hunt right now. These crisp fall mornings got our juices flowing which means the content will be flowing in due time. Maybe chief will get a deer this fall? Probably not. But it'll be awesome making fun of him when he misses. In the mean time, get caught up on our hunting excursions before we are tasked with castrating Colombian water elephants on Stool Outdoors: