Fingers Are Getting Amputated By Baby Strollers Causing A Huge Recall Because Fingers Getting Chopped Off Is Actually Bad

The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced Thursday a recall for UPPAbaby RIDGE jogging strollers due to a fingertip amputation hazard.

The CPSC said the stroller's rear disc brakes have openings that can cause amputation or lacerations if a child not inside of the stroller gets a finger caught in an opening while the stroller is being used.

The recall affects all UPPAbaby all-terrain RIDGE jogging strollers, which have an extendable canopy with a mesh window and zipper pocket, disc hand brake system and an adjustable handlebar with a wrist strap, the CPSC said.

Typically, I don't pay attention to recalls. If my Toyota's brakes fail, I guess I'll just be careening down an embankment while trying to grip the wheel as tightly as Portnoy's jeans grab his nuts. That's just part of driving, baby. I love it. 

However, you introduce the words amputation and baby fingers, that is a word pairing that I will always pay attention to. 

Strollers should be the safest things on earth. Any parent knows it. Having kids stroller age is AWFUL. They rely on you for fucking everything. Getting in the car. Getting out. Walking. Not walking. Sleeping. They don't do anything alone and neither do you. You can be out with your kids and stopping to get a glass of ice coffee at the Starbucks after shopping at Target for 3 hours. Your kid was being impatient the whole time. They get that from their daddy smh. So, you are huffy because getting in the car at the store is easily the worst part of the trip. Everyone needs a nap. The car is hot. There's a finger on the blacktop. It happens every damn time. 

You load up your trunk with many home items that were designed by Joanna Gaines. Chip gets the money too but Joanna is the brains and eyes behind the operation. Duh. Everyone knows that. You see your cutting board again. It's made from maple and post oak. Gorgeous. You toss it on the diaper bag that you slung into the trunk from under the stroller. Without thinking, you push the button and kick the stroller's collapse lever. You press down and with it, you are reminded of the craft cutter in school. 

Why? Because you cut off your fucking finger just like Mrs. Johnston, your third-grade teacher said you would. Safety is paramount when strollers are in play. Never forget that. 

Anyway, there's a recall on strollers. Look alive. 

Also, Spankin is #Back.