OPINION: Sporting Events Need To Stop Making People So Violently Horny
I'm sure you're all well aware by now but there is a pandemic sweeping the globe where folks are simply getting just way too horny at sporting events. I remember a time not too long ago where folks would go to a game, enjoy the spectacle of live sports being played out in front of them, and then wait until they got back to their residence to bang each other's brains out. Missionary, doggy, standup 69, you name it. But it would be in the privacy of their own home, not in section 302.
Something has changed over the years, however, and now people just can't contain themselves. Fans get so preposterously horned up at games that they decide to get it on right then and there. Whether it's a little fellatio at the A's game
Some full blown penetration in Toronto
Or whatever the heck Kodak Black was doing at this Florida Panthers game.
The fact of the matter is that people are getting way too hot and bothered at these games lately, and it's time to start asking ourselves why.
Now I'm not one to sex shame. You want to stick your little pecker in a ziplock bag full of mashed potatoes, I may not agree with you, but I ain't gonna stop you either. It's 2022. People are allowed to get their freak on however and whenever they see fit. So it's not like we can just ask patrons of sports games to stop having sexual relations in the stands during gameplay. That would be a fast track to getting cancelled by a bunch of children on TikTok. What we can do, however, is ask professional sporting events to stop being so gosh darn sexy.
The #1 thing that teams focus on these days is fan experience at games. They want to offer great food and beverages. They want to offer comfortable seating. They want to offer great in-game entertainment and music etc. Basically they only thing they don't do at this point is hand you a box of condoms on the way in. Just walking into the arena is an aphrodisiac. So if you want people to stop plowing each other at the games, well then that's what needs to change.
No more fancy seats with cushions, just make the whole thing bleachers. No more elevated concession food options, just grool and maybe some watered down lukewarm coffee. Make everybody dress up in uncomfortable clothes, and let everybody smoke as much as they want wherever they want in the stadium. You think any of these people were fuckin' in the stands?
Haywood Magee. Getty Images.Well, maybe that minx toward the bottom right. But by and large, no chance. Because back in those days, going to a sporting event was about exactly that--the game itself. And until these teams all realize that, their stadiums are essentially going to be one massive casting couch.