I Almost Got In A Car Crash

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I almost got in a car crash over the summer. I made a shit head driving mistake, it was totally my fault, and luckily the other driver was paying attention and didn't hit me. I think about it all time. The other driver never got out of his car and confronted me, but sometimes I think about how I would have handled that situation if I would have actually had to talk to him.

It happened on my way home from Skyline Chili. I had brought my dog with me because he loves car rides. We went through the drive-thru, and I ordered some coney dogs. As I was leaving the parking lot, I saw a strange looking homeless man sauntering toward my car. His clothes were gross and ill-fitting. I thought he was about to walk up to my window. While I was distracted by the homeless man, I accidentally pulled out directly in front of someone. It was a very irresponsible and stupid move. Here is an artist's rendering of the incident.

The guy slammed on his beaks and laid on his horn. He stopped short of hitting me, but I could see he was furious. I didn't even give him a courtesy wave, I just got the hell out of there. He tailgated me for a minute. I was worried he was going to follow me home, but he eventually turned and we went our separate ways.

Sometimes I imagine what I would have done if he had actually followed me home and confronted me. How would I have handled that situation?

Here is how I played out that scenario in my head:

SCENARIO

As we both pull into my driveway, I make the decision that I am not going to apologize. I decide to play dumb.

We both step out of our cars. I don't even acknowledge him. I just go to grab my food out of the backseat like nothing is happening.

In my peripheral, I can see that he is a man about my age, just a little bit heavier and a little less attractive. He starts yelling at me. His name is James.

James: "I'm James! What the fuck was that shit?!"

Me (taking about 5 seconds to respond as I slowly gather my food): "Oh, hey James. What was what?"

James: "What do you mean? You pulled out right in front of me back there!"

Me (pretending it's taking me a minute to remember what happened): "Oh do you mean back at Skyline Chili? Yeah sorry about that pal."

People hate being called pal. He gets angrier and yells louder.

James: "Did you even look both ways? If I wasn't watching closely we would have crashed. Are you fucking stupid?!"

Me: "Aw damn, I'm sorry. Guess I wasn't thinking.."

I'm still not acknowledging him with eye contact. I walk around to the passenger side door to let my dog out.

Me (talking to my dog): "C'mon buddy, let's go!"

James gets angrier as I continue to not give him my full attention

James: "Yeah no shit idiot, what if I would have hit you? Do you even care?"

I don't respond right away. My dog hops out of the car. In real life I have a small Chihuahua, but in this imaginary situation I have an extremely well behaved Pit Bull. He is off leash and is just kind of meandering around minding his own business.

James is now thinking to himself: Damn that's a well-behaved dog. Most dogs can't be trusted off leash like that. Especially Pit Bulls. He must be a really good dog owner.

Me (finally addressing his last question): "Sorry can you say that again? I didn't hear you."

James (furious): WE WOULD HAVE FUCKING CRASHED! IT WOULD HAVE BEEN YOUR FAULT! YOU STUPID MORON! DO YOU WANT TO PAY FOR THOSE DAMAGES?!

Me (still acting very chill and nonchalant): "It's a work car they would have paid for it."

Lucy: "Doggie! Doggie! Doggie!"

Buster wags his little nub of a tail and starts gently licking Lucy's face

Lucy: "Hahahahaha silly doggie!"

Me: "Aww, Buster are you making a new friend?"

James waits quietly for a chance to continue accosting me. But I'm being so cool and nice to my neighbors that he isn't sure if he should proceed with the yelling.

The sweet old lady strikes up a conversation with me.

Sweet Old Lady: "How are things?"

Me: "Pretty good! I just picked up some Skyline Chili. I have a few friends coming over soon. Is this your granddaughter, Lucy who I've heard so much about?"

Sweet Old Lady: "Yes this is Lucy. Lucy say hi to John!"

Lucy: "Hello, John!"

Me: "Hello Lucy! She is a cutie, you're lucky to have her. Children are so precious."

James has been completely boxed out of the conversation at this point, but he wants to get at least one more word in. He rudely speaks before the sweet old lady can respond to my nice comment about how precious children are.

James: "Seriously man, you have to watch the road. That was really reckless. Next time you might not be so lucky."

Me: "Yeah you're right. I'm sorry about that. I'm lucky you're a good driver. I appreciate you."

At that moment, my friends walk up. They just finished having some drinks at the bar next door to my house. My friends are three girls: A perfect 10, an 8 (my girlfriend), and a cool chick.

Perfect 10: What's up John? Hi, Buster!

My dog smiles and walks over to the Perfect 10

My Girlfriend (8): "Hi honeyyyy (gives me a hug and a quick kiss). You go the bag?"

Me: "Sure do babe!"

I hold up a large bag of Skyline Chili. In this scenario I had bought enough food for everybody.

James is still standing there. He knows he should just leave, but he can't help but stare are my cool hot friends. He thinks to himself: Wow these girls are so cool and hot. This is like the most awesome guy ever. And here I am about to go home alone to my sad, empty 1 bedroom apartment. I don't even have a dog. I'm such a loser compared to him. I never should have tried to confront him. I feel like such a dumbass.

All of the sudden, the cool chick speaks up. Her name is Chanel.

James: "Oh hi, Chanel. What's up?"

Chanel: "I know James from work. He is a Human Resources Admin. James are you going to the company party tomorrow night?"

James: "Umm, I'm not sure yet. I might have something going on."

James doesn't have anything going on. He never has anything going on. He just wants to seem cool.

Chanel: "Oh, ok. How do you know John?"

In a boarderline heroic move, I decide to totally let him off the hook. I don't want him to be embarrassed in front of my hot friends, the sweet old lady, and her granddaughter Lucy.

Me: "I actually just met James at Skyline. He's a Sixers fan so I invited him over to watch the playoffs." 

This incident happened when the Sixers were in the playoffs

Chanel: "That's awesome! James, I didn't know you were a Sixers fan. We love the Sixers! Sucks that Embed is hurt, but hopefully they make it through the series and we can get him back for the Conference Finals."

James: "Yeah of course.. I umm… have family in Philadelphia."

Me: "Small world! Well, the game is about the start. James, I hope you like IPA's or High Noons, because that's all we got!"

James: "Yeah that works."

We say goodbye to the sweet old lady and her granddaughter Lucy. Then the 4 of us watch the Sixers game in my modern home. I no longer feel dumb for my driving mistake. I have completely dominated James by having such a cool life right in his face. James is the one who feels dumb now.

I win.