Amazon Released Their New Thursday Night Football Song And Boyyyy Does It STINK

OFFICIAL RATING: P.U.

Yuck. Gross. No me gusta. 

I'm sure there are people with much more music acumen than me that can explain why this song is vanilla basura. It could be the quick yet light pacing for a league full of superfreak monster athletes or a lack of horns in the low brass section (yeah your pal Clem played the trombone back in the day). My pal Max said it perfectly to me on Twitter.

Whatever it is, there is clearly a lack of football in this song that doesn't get me the least bit excited to watch roughly 100 grown men get into high speed collisions with each other as I tally imaginary fantasy points based on what they do with a ball in their hands. Good thing your dad is going to have no idea how to watch Thursday Night Football on Prime because this song will piss him off.

Now despite me shitting on the song in the first paragraph of this blog, I fully realize that once it is played before an actual NFL game I will be so hyped up it'll sound like the harps of an angel welcoming me to heaven. Even if it's a Jaguars game where they are wearing those retched mustard jerseys. However as of now, I gotta say this song is the worst thing Jeff Bezos has done since he pretty much killed Toys R Us because that song doesn't hold a candle to these monsters.

I made a #meme to show how I feel. I hope you enjoy it!

Now will someone tell Bezos to give John Williams an island in the pacific in exchange for him to fix that song because watching injured, tired super athletes play gladiator ball on a short week is already tough enough without having that theme song in our ears (But I will watch every single second of it regardless).

Obligatory NFL Theme Song Rankings:

1. FOX 

As a Giants fan, this song is what NFL football sounds like to me. I am old enough to remember hearing that song and thinking how aggressive it was because FOX was the bad boy of network TV back in the 90s. I realize exactly how old that sentence makes me look.

2. Sunday Night Football 

This is closer to 1A than 2 because nothing gives more of a big game feel than the SNF music. I have it knocked down to 2 because we only hear it for one game as we wait all day for Sunday night and it also triggers PTSD in my head where I need my RB2 to somehow score 32 points despite being projected for 14, which will lead to my dumbass holding out hope for a miracle like one of Cousin Eddie's kids on Christmas Eve before coming up short. 

3. CBS 

I don't love the CBS song but I don't hate it either. It's always kinda just the B Side for me, probably because my team is an NFC team and usually when I'm watching a CBS game in New York, it's a Jets game. AFC fans seem to view it the way I view the FOX song so maybe beauty is in the ear of the person that lives or die with the song 12+ times a year.

All that being said, this song somehow hits much harder after Thanksgiving right as the playoff races really get cooking for some reason.

4. Monday Night Football

At this point the MNF horns are just going on reputation. I'd say until three years ago it still gave me that big game vibes with the entire country watching. But now it just reminds me of how much ESPN/ABC/Disney fucked up a legendary program. We'll see if signing FOX's booth for a bajillion dollars will rejuvenate it. But if it doesn't, this guy and his brother should get those legendary horns for their broadcast.

5. Prime

Fix this Bezos. If you can ship 12 items that have no earthly relation to each other anywhere in the country in 2 days or less, you can make a good football song. Jesus Christ.