Blog Wheel: Is Long Island An Island?
Blog Wheel is back, and it is really starting to hit its stride.
My favorite part of writing this blog every week is finding my least favorite topic. There were a handful of bad ideas to choose from. Bobby Fritz made a Chris Klemmer rim job joke for the 100th time this month.
I didn't particularly like this barb from CJ.
CJ - I will be doing the Blog Wheel until I receive overwhelmingly negative feedback. Once I start getting negative feedback, I will keep doing it for a few more weeks to see if I can make it good again. If after a few weeks it becomes clear that the Blog Wheel is no longer funny to anyone, then I will move on to something else.
The worst idea this week was from our friend Zero-Day Picks
Zero - Do you know how many 1 million is? That is far too many Smurfs for the Hulk to handle by himself. Sure, Smurfs are small, but even when fully enraged, the Hulk is only 8 feet tall. 1 million Smurfs would fill a building. Not to mention, the Smurfs live in a society full of professors, engineers, scientists, hot daughters, shoe cobblers, etc. Give me a gang of the smartest Smurfs in Smurf Village, and we will create state of the art Smurf guns that will shoot down the Hulk from a distance. Why do they call you Zero-Day anyways? Is it because you've spent zero days with a brain? Maybe think things through next week instead of wasting my time with this garbage.
We had a celebrity submission this week. Dave Portnoy, inventor of Barstool Sports, submitted, "Is Long Island an Island".
I believe Dave was talking about this on an Instagram story. It must have been an Instagram story because I can't find the clip anywhere. Either way, this is an example of a well thought out blog wheel topic. It's insightful, divisive, it made me laugh, it made me cry, and it made me think. No wonder Dave was able to build an empire like Barstool Sports. If we're lucky, the wheel will bless us with this topic.
Here are the 8 topics that made the wheel this week
- Pokemon who would be better at my job than me
- The difference between an owl and a bungee cord
- People who tweet about the Winnipeg Jets & porn
- Rugrats: Where are they now?
- Is Long Island an Island?
- What handgun suits you based on your zodiac sign
- Explaining The Dozen drama to cavemen
- Comparing Dozen teams to college football teams
Let's have a spin.
What luck! Who would have thought that the wheel would land on my boss Dave Portnoy's very own topic.
Is Long Island an Island?
When I'm posed with a question like this, I do what any person would do - Google it.
After Google gives me an answer, I ask myself: "Is this the answer I wanted to get?"
If yes, I move on with my day knowing that I am right
If no, I scroll through multiple pages of Google until I find an answer that makes me right
That is how the internet works. Let's try it here.
More like Long Peninsula. That's the answer I was looking for, so it's an open and shut case. Long Island is not an island. However, being "surrounded by water" is not the only thing that makes an island an island. To be an island, you need to have island vibes. There are certain characteristics an island must have, and there are certain types of people who live on an island. Long Island does not have any of those things.
To be honest, I have only been to Long Island one time. It was for the Barstool Mini-Golf tournament. At no point did I catch an island vibe. Here are some things a place needs to have before it can be considered an island
The Island Boys
Nowadays, when you think of an island, you think of the Island Boys. The Island Boys are A-List celebrities in 2022. They wouldn't last a day on Long Island. Nor would they want to. Do you think the Island Boys want to spend a day learning about space at the Cradle of Aviation Museum in Garden City? It simply wouldn't happen.
Hula Girls
When you arrive on an island, hot women in hula skirts with coconuts covering their breasts will greet you by placing a lay of flowers around your neck. These women do not exist in Long Island. When you arrive in Long Island, you are greeted by a disgruntled car mechanic who overcharges you for a drive shaft.
Hula Hoop Competitions
On islands, traditional sports like football, basketball, baseball, and soccer are overshadowed by hula hoop competitions. These competitions take place on white sandy beaches. Long Island's beaches are not suited for hula hooping. They're far too dirty. In most cases, the best hula hoopers in Long Island will move away to a real island at a young age to train for the World Championships.
No Jobs
Nobody who lives on an island has a real job. The only occupations on an island are bartender, scuba/snorkeling, boat captain, and gift shop. I know a Forensic Accountant who lives in Long Island. He investigates financial transactions for Friedman LLP. He works closely with a woman named Heather who asks him to get lunch every day, even though he always brings one from home. She can't take a hint, and it's really starting to frustrate him. This would never happen on a real island.
Weird rules about driving
Real islands have driving rules that are slightly different than everywhere else. In the U.S. Virgin Islands, you drive on the right side of the road, on Mackinaw Island you can only drive golf carts, and in Put-in-Bay you have to be legally drunk to get behind the wheel.
Wearing nothing but a swimsuit
On an island, it is acceptable to wear nothing but a swimsuit wherever you go. From the beach, to a fancy dinner, if you are in a swimsuit, you are dressed appropriately for the occasion. If my friend showed up to Friedman LLP in a swimsuit, his clients would not take him seriously. Heather would never wear a swimsuit to the office - she dresses very conservatively.
Spit roast
True islanders will shove a stick all the way down a dead pigs throat and out through his ass. Then, they will take the dead pig stick to a beach and rotate it over an open flame. Island families do this 3 or 4 times per week. Long Islanders are more likely to eat at a restaurant where the food is prepared in a kitchen.
Dolphin rides
One of the easiest ways to tell if you are on an island is by going out into the water. If a dolphin swims up next to you and offers you a ride, then you are on an island. Google is telling me that there are dolphins in Long Island, but I doubt they are friendly.
As you can see, Long Island is not surrounded by water, and it does not have the vibe of a real island. It is only an island in name. Whoever named Long Island was hoping to lure in tourists by tricking them into thinking they were coming to a tropical destination. It clearly worked because a shit load of people live there. Good for them I guess.