Monkeys Are Getting Their Rocks Off With Natural-Stone Sex Toys And Pervert Scientists Cant Stop Watching SMH

In a research paper published on Aug. 4 in the journal Ethology: International Journal of Behavioural Biology, researchers analyzed how this population of Balinese monkeys play with stones. Among more innocuous uses, including biting and gathering the stones, video footage collected between 2016 to 2019 also shows hundreds of instances of monkeys in the sanctuary, both male and female, tapping and rubbing the stones on their genitals—seemingly in a state of sexual arousal.

For the male monkeys, their genital stone-tapping and rubbing occurred more often and lasted longer when they also had an erection. But despite rubbing the stones on their erect penises, the male monkeys never managed to ejaculate. “It's hard to give a very solid explanation, but it really seems that they do it because it feels good,” she said. “There is some sort of tactile stimulation from the contact of those stones with their genitals and it feels good. And there is no reason to stop.”

While the study found strong evidence that the male monkeys were using stones for masturbation, it was harder to ascertain what was going on with the female monkeys, who were also touching themselves with stones.  “For females, it's a little bit harder because we don't really have an easy signifier of arousal,” said Cenni. They did, however, observe some selectivity in the stones that the mature female monkeys chose to tap or rub their genitals with, often preferring ones with sharp edges or a grainy texture.

It's bullshit that these scientists are distributing nature's natural courses. Show me one person who hasn't tried to rub their genitals against a rock, staircase, edge of the mattress, or seam of the couch and I'll show you a fucking liar. Everyone likes to jerk off. We do. It's a simple life pleasure and, if we didn't have it, many would choose death. Being able to rub your wiener or clit until you cum is so much fun. It's more fun with others but it might be the most fun you can have alone. Do you know what's not fun? Well, for me anyway... It's not fun having people watch you fucking jacking off, taking notes, comparing those notes with other researchers, typing those combined notes up in the form of a research paper, and then publishing that report in a journal while also pitching it to various media outlets like Vice and Barstool Sports so that people can be like "check it out. this group cums from rubbing stones on their junk." That's not fun. Why? Because then people think your whole species is nothing but a bunch of little rock humpers that look for stones because you are horny as hell.

That being said, I understand why they don't stop even if they don't cum. We've all been there. Hell, I can still remember sitting there and waiting for my 7th-grade choir performance. I was wearing actual trousers. I'm not talkin jeans or khakis. I'm talking trousers. The ones that feel all silky and shit. I'm sitting there and my trousers were blowing and billowing while brushing against my balls and whathaveyou. I liked it so I tried to mimic the action again. It feels good. I keep doing it. I didn't have a real "ending" of that feeling (trying to be polite but I didn't cum) it was just something that felt good. Maybe that's what is happening with our monkey friends. Maybe they just like it. We should leave them alone and not write papers about things like "why don't the lady monkies nut on their stone dildos." To me, that seems inappropriate but I have manners, unlike most scientists.