Blog Wheel: Which Sesame Street Characters Would Be The Best To Eat?
Welcome back to Blog Wheel, yada yada yada. Same thing as every week. You guys know the drill.
Worst ideas come first. Jaden didn't even try to give me a shitty idea this week. His run is officially over. He caught lighting in a bottle a couple weeks in a row, but he doesn't have it in him to win worst idea consistently.
Pathetic effort. To be fair to Jaden, I don't know if anyone could have beat this week's winner. Our boy Mike Miller (@profmikeimo) came over the top with maybe the worst blog topic in the history of blog topics.
Mike's topic is bad for so many reasons. First off, how am I supposed to go about writing this? I have been to 3 NFL stadiums my whole life. Even if I was a die hard NFL guy who's been to 15 different stadiums, I would still need to do research on half of the league. Do you know how much work it would take to write this blog? Who do I even reach out to? I would have to contact fans from every team in the league, and essentially interview them about the parking situation. There's not a chance in hell I'm doing that.
Even if I managed to write that blog, who would it be for? Is there someone out there who is trying to decide what NFL game they're going to this year based on the stadiums parking lot? No, that person does not exist. Congrats Mike you win the crown this week.
Topics on the wheel this week were as follows:
- Bass Pro Shop Pyramid
- What Sesame Street characters would make the best meal?
- Best Vowels
- Best Ball
- What Barstool employees would be easiest to draw?
- Easter Island vs an island where it's always Easter
- Subjects that should be added to high school curriculums and what subjects they would replace
- Best Wheels
Here's the spin
I think the Easter Island one was my favorite, but I'm happy with Sesame Street characters. Thank you @LearnBall There's plenty of them to choose from. Someone on Twitter asked me if @LearnBall means which Sesame Street characters would be the best to eat, or which Sesame Street characters would cook the best meals? I'm not sure what he meant, but I will be discussing the best tasting Sesame Street characters. I wouldn't trust any of them to cook for me.
Which Sesame Street characters would be the best tasting meal?
Big Bird
Big Bird is obviously a delicious choice. Chicken, Turkey, Duck, and Pheasant are all tasty birds, so I have no reason to believe that Big Bird would not be tasty as well. Usually, when you cook a bird, it's enough meat to feed a handful of people. Birds are usually small. Big Bird on the other hand, should be enough to last you through the winter. The internet tells me that a deer yields about 60 lbs of edible meat, and I think Big Bird is larger than most deer. If you bag yourself a Big Bird, you'll be able to feed your family for months. I'm not sure what's going on with Big Birds legs. Is there meat in there or are they just extensions of his talons? I'm not sure. I think I would be most excited to eat Big Bird's ass.
Mr. Snuffleupagus
This one hurts me to say. I'm a big Mr. Snuffleupagus fan, and I would never want to do him harm. Something about the 'Mr.' before his names really humanizes him. I could never bring myself to shoot Mr. Snuffleupagus in the head 3 times with a hunting rifle, drag his dead carcass to my giant woodshed, hang him up by his feet, then peel off his skin and rip chunks of Snuffleupagus meat off of his body. I just couldn't do that. But, if I'm being honest with myself, he would be scrumptious. Just think about a fresh cut of Snuffleupagus jerky. It would be incredible. Plus, if Big Bird feeds a family for the winter, Mr. Snuffleupagus would keep you fed for an entire year. You would, however, need a very large freezer room to store him in.
Fuck… I just found a really troubling GIF. It appears Mr. Snuffleupagus has a family. This hurts.
Cookie Monster
With Cookie Monster you get the best of both worlds. You get your protein from the monster meat, and considering his diet, it probably tastes like delicious cookies. Cookie Monster would be a dessert meat. He might be the first ever dessert meat. I don't think I would be too upset about killing Cookie Monster either. He's a crack addict. He's a menace to society.
Just look at the way he treats Kermit. You can't reason with him. He can't control his emotions. He is unhinged 100% of the time. I would be doing Cookie Monster, and the rest of the world a favor by putting him out of his miserable existence. It would be as easy as leaving a plate of cookies on my window sill. I could either shoot him with a gun or put out a monster trap.
Kermit the Frog
Speaking of Kermit the Frog, I would eat him too. I'm not sure if I've ever had frog legs, but I know some people like to eat them. Normally, frog legs are very short, but Kermit's legs are long. You could eat them like a corn on the cob, suck on it like a popsicle, or deep throat it as a party trick. I am not sure if other parts of Kermit would be edible.
Fozzy Bear
I'm a little confused about the difference between Sesame Street characters and Muppet characters. I was certain that Fozzy Bear was a Muppet, but then I found the GIF of him with Kermit that made me think otherwise. But Kermit is clearly a Muppet too, right? Is it an all Sesame Street characters are Muppets, but not all Muppets are Sesame Street characters situation? I think that must be the case.
Anyways, if he does appear on Sesame Street, I would kill Fozzy Bear. There is nothing I hate more than a hack comedian. But do people really eat bear meat, or is it more of a trophy hunting thing? At minimum I would mount his head on my wall, or make a large bearskin rug to cover over 50% of my apartment floor.
Characters who would not be tasty
Elmo - Too much of a skinny pussy. Would not be tender and would not yield much meat. He would also be too nice to kill
Bert & Ernie - Way too much like humans. I'm not a cannibal
Count von Count - Also too human. I don't think the contents of vampires are edible anyways. Vampires are already dead (I think), so the meat would be rotten. Actually, if there was one character I would allow to cook me a meal it would be Count von Count, because he would be good at measurements. And before anyone says something, I looked it up, The Swedish Chef is not a Sesame Street character.
Oscar the Grouch - He lives in a trash can
Grover - I don't care enough about Grover to give an opinion on him
Alright, that was a pretty open and shut case. I also wouldn't eat the small children that are on the show. Like Julia, or the small pink monster from the following GIF.