What Your Dirty-Ass White Sneaker Says About You

We are all more than familiar with the dirty-ass white house party sneaker. Every cute girly wears her perfectly planned outfit, only to wear a dirty-ass white sneaker for shoes. Business on the feet, party on the top. Why not just wear heels? Well, women have to squeeze into their Princess Polly two-piece, body con outfit made out of trash bag material; then, we have to wear underwear that gives us a constant wedgie. On top of that, we have no fucking pockets in any of our clothes and we are constantly cold. Do you really want me to complain about my feet hurting too? I mean, I don’t want to be in physical pain the whole night. I already have too much emotional pain to add to that physical pain.

Here is what I think each of the sneakers says about you 

Air Force One

You’re hot but boring. 

They are the classic hot girl shoe. Every girl has worn the Air Force One. I think these are the Regina George’s of the sneaker world. They always look good. However, she’s expensive and her personality is lame. You’d think, okay, this is the basic bitch shoe, let me get one of the custom colors. But the custom colors are expensive and a little try-hard.

Jordan’s

You ball SO hard.

Cool girls wear J’s. Miley even said it!! The downside, they are clunky af, you'll be looking like Ronald McDonald in them. Upside, after brunch, you can just go play some one on one. Always prepared. 

New Balance 

Your boyfriend has a dad bod. 

A cheaper option than the before mentioned. If you own new balances, you probably have a great sense of humor. New Balances are like the dad bod of sneakers. We are with them for comfort and their personality. They’re not flashy. Not trying to impress. They remind you of the guy you dated who you could never find a good Instagram photo of.

Converse

You’re ~misunderstood~

I know these are classic. I know. But how can anyone wear these shoes? So uncomfortable. Like are you trying to be in pain just to feel something??? Maybe it’s just my big feet? If you wear converse, you probably are moody af. The shoe of the classic ~misunderstood~. They’re always uncomfortable. They always look dirty. If your converse are clean, I don’t know if I can even trust you. These come out of the box looking like the guy who got his ear bitten off by Mike Tyson. 

Vans

You’re one of the boys and possibly can do a kickflip?? Also, maybe into girls

Van’s reminds me of my days playing Tony Hawk and thinking Bam Mangera was hot. I will always respect vans. Especially, the slip-on shoes. I have always found the lace-ups uncomfy. But writing this article has made me realize I have phat ass feet. Van's are cool. The slip-on shoes are the cutest version of having huge penguin flippers. This is great if you live someone near the beach. You can just go snorkeling after any party! Vans have a special place in my heart. However, I don’t own any, because I'm not holding onto the past. Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.

Adidas

Oh, so you played soccer in high school? Cool. 

Fila 

You’re super cute and tiny. Possibly European. 

I want to conclude this article by saying, wear whatever the fuck you want. Hotness is a state of mind. Why else would girls be obsessed with Timothee Chalamet? He tells us he's hot and we believe it even, though he looks like the gecko from the Geico commercials.