Annual Reminder That Forrest Gump’s Mom Was Kind Of A Whore

Full Disclosure- I said “Annual Reminder” in the blog title, but this is actually the first time I am writing about this.

It was the Fourth of July and I was looking for a patriotic movie to have on in the background while the family came in and out of the house. 

I recommended Patton because I love Patton, but the consensus in the house called for Forrest Gump so I ceded the remote since I would arguably be busiest with all the cooking while the movie was playing... Therefore, I would be least invested in what was on the screen. 

However, since my mother-in-law was over and looked comfy on my couch, I carved out a little time to watch the beginning of the movie with her… And now I regret it. 

I’ve seen Gump in its entirety only once before… In the theater when it first came out on July 6th, 1994 (28 years ago yesterday). Since then, I have stopped to watch pieces of the film dozens of times as I was channel surfing, but apparently never from the beginning. 

First off, I forgot how they handled the fact that Jenny and her sisters were sexually abused by their dad. I’ve always tuned in late enough to see her get some closure when billionaire Forrest knocks her childhood home to the ground, but I totally forgot the raw circumstances that led to her hatred for her past. 

And it’s not pretty… Watching a little girl with a bruised face and a stained dress hide crouched in a cornfield praying to become a bird and fly away while her drunk incestuous father was lustfully searching for her was something I wasn’t ready for... And neither was my mother-in-law. 

And although I am 50 years old, it was still uncomfortable watching a scene like that with a parent, even if that parent was a parent-in-law. It was reminiscent of me hiding my erection while I watched Charo guest star on The Love Boat with my parents in my childhood living room because we only had one TV in the house. 

That scene from Gump made me Charo-like uncomfortable in front of my septuagenarian mother-in-law. 

And then there’s that other uncomfortable scene at the beginning of the movie that I totally forgot about.

For those who haven’t seen the movie, or perhaps don’t remember the scene I am talking about, I will break it down. 

Forrest Gump is the story of a man with special needs who goes on many adventures throughout the 60s, 70s, and 80s... His travels take him from the sticks of Alabama to the jungles of Vietnam and back. 

But before any of this happens, Forrest needs to go to school. However, because of his aforementioned mental shortcomings, he is denied entry to the local grammar school. That is, until his mom (played by Sally Field) fucked the shit out of the school’s principal, thus assuring her son's enrollment. 

And it’s that briberous sex scene that was truly disturbing, even though there were no overt sexual images involved.

You see, Forrest lived in a bed & breakfast that his mother ran (his father abandoned them years prior), and as the camera is fixed on Forrest’s dumb gaze, you can hear his mother getting absolutely HORSE POUNDED in the room directly above him. 

I am assuming there was some anal involved because Oscar-winner Sally Field is letting out these deep guttural moans from the window above that can only be summoned when someone is truly snaking out your filthy toilet.  Many people think it was the male actor who let out those sounds, but Field told Vanity Fair that the editors had to use her voice in the final cut because actor Sam Anderson wasn't able to get the pitch correct.

"But Large... Mrs. Gump was just doing that as a sacrifice because she loved her son so much.'

Oh, yeah?... Then how come she didn't love him enough to shut the fucking door so the whole house couldn't hear her braying like a stuck mule?... Going deeper, I'm assuming all the overt sexuality in that house is probably what made Forrest fall in love with an HIV-riddled coke whore like Jenny years later.

And again, my 75-year-old mother-in-law was right next to me the whole time we were watching trying not to make eye contact or acknowledge the barely visible 2-time-Oscar-winner-Sally-Field-generated erection I had just achieved.

When my wife's mom finally did notice my uncomfortable nubbin, I had no choice but to ramp up the discomfort and say to her...

"You know erections are like a box of chocolates... You never know when you're gonna git one."

We shoulda went with Patton.

Take a report.

-Large

Twisted History is a "BEST OF" this week, and I find the way my producer throws these together to be more interesting than the individual episodes… Give it a listen.

And you can catch up on full episodes on the YouTube channel…

TAR.

-L