Yearly reminder that my Father's Day is better than yours.

Large6/18/2022 8:29 PM

I do NOTHING on Father's Day...

I don’t enjoy other holidays. Christmas is all about the kids, and it’s too fucking expensive. Valentines is okay for leftover chocolate, but romance is dead. I know very little about black history or gay pride, but I am thrilled that they both get their own month. I dress up quite a bit, but rarely on Halloween. I light off illegal fireworks quite a bit, but rarely on the Fourth. I overeat/drink 5 times a week, but preferably away from the judgmental eyes of my relatives on Thanksgiving.

HOWEVER!... My family lets me choose my Father’s Day, so I choose to spend it in bed.

I wake up around 10, go downstairs and make myself 3 over-easy eggs, a ham steak with the round marrow bone in the middle, some fried tomatoes, and a couple English muffins (or perhaps sourdough toast). The wife and kids sit around and watch me eat and then shower me with cards and a couple small gifts.

I then go back upstairs, shower myself with water and soap, and go right back to bed.

My family leaves the house and do whatever the fuck they want, so I am in complete silence. I turn the AC down to 65 degrees, pop back into bed, and watch something manly… This year I haven't decided on what to watch, so I may just throw on Patton for the 200th time.

Giphy Images.

(Old George would fucking HATE 2022)

Midday, the family will run back a big hero (thinking a chopped cheese this year) and a Canada Dry ginger ale up to my dark bedroom before they leave again. After lunch I actually start to feel sore from laying down for so long, so I will knock back a couple painkillers and pass out.

I will get up later and grill steaks. My wife will shake me a martini. And I will open, decant, and drink a bottle of red.

If everyone is home, we'll eat steak and hash browns as a family… Otherwise, I will eat by myself.

I will then take a couple more painkillers and back in bed by 9 or 10.

It takes some effort, but on average I spend maybe 20 hours of Father’s Day in bed. If that doesn't sound good to you, then you don't have kids and therefore don't matter.

If you do have liabilities, then I suggest you try to do the same as me. If for no other reason, then prove to yourself that you still have control over your own life.

Or don't… I really don't fucking care. I'll be asleep.