Apparently I'm Not Going To Get Rich On All Of My Old Baseball Cards And Should Just Throw Them Away, But Some Of Them Are Incredible

I could do this blog in 2 different parts because there are 2 important things going on here.

Part 1 is growing up. Some of you have been through this, some are in the process, and some are going to have to deal with it eventually. What I’m referring to is when you leave home for college, spend 4 years there, but still have all your childhood shit at your parents house. At some point you move out everything you need, but there’s still a ton of shit there that you don’t need, but also don’t want to get rid of. It just sits in purgatory for years, while your mom bitches at you to take it or get rid of it. And at the top of my list are baseball cards. They aren’t worth DICK. Like, absolutely nothing. But at the same time, how do you get rid of a closet full of cards? How do you just take your entire childhood and toss it in the garbage? And what if you have something that is actually worth value? Is it even worth the time trying to find out? Well this weekend I was home for a day and thought I’d take step 1 and at least start seeing what I even have in my closet full of cards.

Shoeboxes stacked on shoeboxes stacked on those big cardboard boxes stacked on top of binders. It was way too daunting of a task. That’s when I decided I’d rather the house burns down than take the time to actually go through them all. So instead, I opened one old box of cards and just looked through it to see what was in there, to see names of players I’d long forgotten, and just to kill some time before dinner.

So that was the box, dusty as hell, 1993 Upper Deck. And boy was I glad I chose that one. You saw Kenny Powers up at the top of the blog wearing his Lasorda U shirt, and the hits just kept on coming. Best box of cards ever.

WOAHHHHHH! How the fuck did they do this one?! What a mindfuck! How is he already holding his own card where he’s holding his own card? What kind of Harry Potter ass sorcery was Upper Deck working with in the 90s???

Cockiest shirt of alllll time from Jay Bell. Holy shit Jay Bell, a little humility dude? My new moto in life is to live everyday with the confidence of Jay Bell.

Mark Portugal out there signing autographs while rolling on molly.

News to me, but the White Sox employed my grandfather to play catcher and drink Jiffy Lube waiting room coffee in the early 90’s.

I wonder where those gay rumors came from? Overcompensate much these days, Jeff? He’s 100% the politician who tries to ban gay marriage and then is tap dancing underneath bathroom stalls at truck stops.

This one just made me laugh because out of every picture they could have used, THIS is the one they went with. AVSwag.

Hardooooooooooooo!

So after that box of greatness, I returned it to the closet and found the money maker. The box that I would retire on. The box of cards that I specifically put aside for when I needed to take a 4 week vacation to the Bahamas, I’d just sell one or two and be all set. I am talking about, of course

Yep, “Good Cards #1″!  And boy I am SHOCKED I’m still poor.

You mean to tell me the Richie Sexson “Wave of the Future” card isn’t paying my bills? GTFO. You could tell me Nina Agdal wants to fuck me and I still wouldn’t be more shocked.

Scott Spiezio, c’mon man! You were the chosen one!

I did find a couple cool cards in there that I had completely forgotten about, so it wasn’t an ultimate failure (despite them still being worth $0.00)

Former Washington Wizard Michael Jordan playing baseball (Space Jam era) is pretty cool.

And of course, this rookie card of the greatest QB to ever play the game…

Well god damn if Joey Harrigton’s rookie card isn’t the equivalent of DraftKings equity. Can’t believe I got that one wrong.

So did I find anything worth anything? No, can’t say I did. But will that get me to actually load up the car and take all the boxes to the dumpster? Not this week. Maybe next time. One guy on Twitter said it best:

If only the same was true about Pogs…