Cole Strange Joins the Ceremonial First Pitch Hall of Shame

Michael Dwyer. Shutterstock Images.

The Patriots decision to draft Cole Strange in the first round was, to put it mildly, a controversial one. Even many who like the player contend that he was taken sooner than he should've been. The most famous of all being:

Personally, I'm good with it. Whether you're excited about a guard in the first round is between you and your god, but to me that position was unquestionably a priority. I think the comparison to Logan Mankins is apt. And I expect Strange to be an integral part of opening holes for the run game both inside and out, as well as bodyguarding Mac Jones' precious body. 

But I also expect more. More than this, to be sure:

I can respect that Strange's job has nothing to do with delivering a ball 60 feet six inches to anyone. The job of long snapper is filled by Joe Cardona so this rookie can focus on his prime objective, which is knocking opponents' Front-7 defender's testicles into their brains. But still, this is embarrassing. To him. To the organization. To the NFL. To America. And, frankly, to me personally. 

Not to brag, but back in 2016 when I was an honored guest of the Pawtucket Red Sox for their Free Tom Brady promotion, I was asked to throw out the Ceremonial First Pitch with a football. Which I stuck a needle into to let air out of it:

While I don't have video of the moment, trust me that I delivered a perfect strike. Ball behind the ear. Stepped into the throw. Follow through motion to a backwards "C." Tight spiral. Right in my target's chest. Completion percentage of 1.000. Passer rating of 158.3. Thousands of witnesses can testify to my mechanical precision. 

That is how you represent an organization, a fanbase, a region, and yourself. I'd say "be better," but Cole Strange acknowledged that himself:

So I'll ease off for now. As he'll learn during OTAs and on into his rookie training camp, his new team will correct errors, but has no patience for error repeaters. And the country as a whole has no tolerance for people who can't deliver a ball to a plate unless they are pop stars or beauty queens in high heels. And if you're an athlete like Carl Lewis or Michael Jordan, or a radio slob like Baba Booey, we expect you to get it over the plate like an American. 

And when you play for the Patriots, we expect you to restrict your first pitches to Fenway about two months after you win a Super Bowl. That should give Strange just under a year to practice.