Here's Your Annual Reminder That The Cum Trees Are Coming Back And There's Nothing You Can Do To Stop It
It's the same thing year after year. You turn the calendar over to May. The weather is getting immaculate. You head outside in a pair of shorts, a tshirt (maybe you even rock a sleeveless if you want to be a hardo about it). You pack up the portable speaker, toss a few cold ones in the cooler, and go have yourself a day out in the sun on a lovely Saturday afternoon. Life couldn't get any better after a miserable winter.
But then it hits you in the face like a sack of bricks. All of a sudden you get crushed with the overwhelming scent of male ejaculate. It smells like your middle school sock drawer. Like someone filled an above-ground pool with jizz. And only then is it that you remember these trees. These goddamn trees. The cum trees.
Now I don't know how regional the Pyrus calleryana is. I don't know if it's just a Philly thing, I don't know if it's just the northeast, I don't know if it's everywhere. But if you know the tree I'm talking about, then you know exactly what we're dealing with here. A tree that can make your Sunday morning stroll smell like you're sitting on the casting couch.
Here you are enjoying your coffee with some fresh air and a cool breeze thinking it's about to be an amazing day. And all of that is immediately ruined by the scent of cum running rampant through the streets. And year after year, we just deal with it. Like we have literally just submitted to the idea that for a few weeks every year, it's going to reek of jizz outside. How have we not come up with a plan to eradicate these trees yet? What benefit could they possibly provide that could outweigh the terror they raise during these early months of spring? But until we figure out a way to eradicate them from our ecosystem, the best we can do is just prepare ourselves to get blasted in the face by the scent of these trees.