The Very True Story About The Time I Played Quarterback For The University Of Illinois

This is a real picture from a real broadcast this week from the Big Ten Network. Big T blogged his reaction in real time but I figured it's worth circling back to provide context. I love circling back and I love torching Big Ten defenses. Even after 35 ripe years, I still got it. This is my story.
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First off this was not affiliated with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which I understand comes as a surprise to many of you. But this was not part of any charitable program. At least not that I know of. 

Instead it started with a group text with Big Cat and Coach Bielema 

Shortly thereafter, drinking my morning coffee, I'm on the phone with Coach Bielema talking about safety coverages, my ability to read them and whether or not I can actually throw a football. 

I got at least 40 yards in me Coach

Truthfully it's closer to 55 but I hurt my elbow playing Golden Tee this week on a new machine at my local spot. It offers a bigger course selection but you're striking the ball at a different angle and it created some new tension on my ligaments. Objectively I was sore and I didn't know how that would impact my ability to grip and rip the pigskin. 

40 yards is plenty. We're going to have you run a couple plays under center…

Plays? I was thinking punt pass & kick with the cheerleaders. Maybe sit in the booth and call some plays or even shag field goals in the south end zone. I had a bunch of things going through my mind, none of which involved me wearing a helmet. 

Are you comfortable getting hit? 

"Yes Coach"

The real answer is Absolutely Not because I'm not completely brain dead. But there's something about talking to your head football coach where you want to give him everything you've got. We don't have time for selfish Me Guys when building a winning football culture. Of course I was willing to stand in the pocket and get drilled for content. 

Okay good we're still trying to figure that out. I'll see you later today

And just like that I was on the depth chart and driving down to Champaign with social media Danny

We get to the equipment room and I find out they will not give me pads, but coach wants me in full uniform. The thinking is something like I won't get hit if I'm not wearing pads. But the visual is a lot funnier if I'm in full uniform. So I gird up my loins and prepare for battle. Double mid-size wristband. Fresh pair of sliding shorts and turf shoes, which was an absurd moment in and of itself. I asked the head equipment guy for a pair of shoes and he instinctively handed me 11.5's. I asked how he knew I was an 11.5 and he said, coldly, I looked at you. Talk about a real craftsman for the trade. 

Anyways no pads. So I'm probably the first guy to use a thigh-slip to hold an iPhone, which is nice. Innovation is born from necessity and I absolutely needed to add some bulge to the pants. From there it was into the locker room for an important pregame speech from Coach. The quarterbacks immediately welcomed me. Johnson, DeVito, Art… the whole group. The camaraderie was instant and substantial. 

Then we made our way through the tunnel and onto the field. The stadium howled while the intro music blared. I ran with my brothers to the west sideline and immediately settled in with the special teamers. Itinerary said I would get a snap in the 2nd and a snap in the 4th. So just get warm and stay ready until then. 

Needed to get a couple tosses in 

At this point I'll say that hanging out on a bench during a football game is super awkward. The guys who are playing have no time for bullshitting around except the offensive line. Those guys are always down for a good time. But everyone else is intense because it's football. Like I know this is a major meatball observation but a baseball dugout is the least serious environment in sports. A football bench mid game is quite the opposite. Even a spring game. Coaches, players, staff… everyone is super locked in. 

So for the most part I hung with the special teamers and o-line until a coach comes up and tells me I got the next series. ONCE THEY FLIP THE FIELD WE'RE GOING BARSTOOL CARL PERSONNEL 

I had my own package. And sure as shit they flip the field and Coach Bielema comes onto the field and yells out BARSTOOL - BARSTOOL 

I jog up to him. 

COACH LUNNEY'S GOT YOU

Next thing you know I'm standing next to the OC in a huddle surrounded by the offense on the 35 yard line. 

ALRIGHT DOUBLE ALLEY LEFT YELLOW BELLY - USE A READY CLAP 

I'm staring at him. 

I SAID DOUBLE ALLEY LEFT YELLOW BELLY. YOU GOT THAT CARL

Yes Coach I got it

YOU KNOW HOW TO READY CLAP? 

I actually have no clue but you don't ever tell a football coach No, so I just guess it means clapping to take the snap like you see on TV all the time, which was the correct guess. So credit to me. 

Yes Coach. Snap is on the clap. 

YOU GOT THE PLAY? DOUBLE ALLEY LEFT YELLOW BELLY 

Yes Coach. Double Alley Left Yellow Belly. 

THEN LETS GO….CALL THE PLAY

It then dawns on me that I'm in the middle of a real huddle on a real football field surrounded by real big ten football players and they're waiting for me to break it. You guys ready for this shit? The offensive linemen are staring me dead in the eyes, juicing me up. 

ALLLRRRRIGHTTTT…… DOUBLE ALLEY. LEFT. YELLOW BELLY ON ONE ON ONE. READDYYYY….

And they all fucking clapped and yelled BREAK and turned around and jogged up to the line of scrimmage. It was surreal. I looked at the running back 

Okay where the fuck do I stand now? 

Up until that moment, I had never stood under shotgun on a field, so I was unsure if it was 4 yards. 5 yards. 3 yards? And honestly shut up with your criticism because I bet most of you would be in the same camp. Everyone knows 7 yards on a field goal but a traditional shotgun snap never gets the same kinda recognition. I needed some directions. 

You want to stand next to me… points down … right here

REAADYYYYYYYYY

In hindsight I could've told coach to put me at the opposite 40 and I still would've had enough juice to put it through the end zone. 

And that's with shoppy footwork and limited experience reading single high safety zone coverage. Even with notable deficiencies I still drop it into Griffin Moore's gigantic basket we now call Catch Radius. Obviously this calls for a celebration and good thing the O-line encouraged me to get the whole group involved. So yes, technically this was preplanned but on the unlikely condition I completed a 35 yard touchdown pass. 

Probably more personally significant is the #FootballGuy designation from the World Wide Leader in football guy stuff.

Shortly thereafter we go into halftime. Coach Lunney calls me over with the quarterbacks which was a remarkable experience. He rails on my footwork seriously before going into extremely detailed analysis with each of the qb's about looking off safeties and driving down the hash marks and all of this technical football guys stuff. Like sincere, deep, in your face halftime adjustments to his guys and it was so cool to witness firsthand. Especially as a lifelong diehard Illini fan - being in the locker room and around the serious aspects of the spring game was incredible. If I hadn't just thrown a 35 yard touchdown pass, I'd probably call this part of the day my favorite.

Another great thing about halftime is the snacks. There are snacks literally EVERYWHERE. Fancy ones. Homemade snacks. Granola bars and fruit snacks. Fresh fruit and protein gummies. Every flavor of gatorade and PB&J sammies. I stuffed my helmet then went back to the sidelines. Coach said he was calling my number once again except this time in the Red Zone. They wanted to evaluate my touch under pressure. 

Like every other football game I've ever participated in (ages 12-15), the 2nd half is over in like 6 minutes. This one is no different and next thing you know I'm back on the field. Except now I have confidence. 

Coach Lunney signals in the same play. And by "signal" I mean he runs on the field and repeats it a number of times to me because I don't speak the language. DOUBLE ALLEY LEFT YELLOW BELLY. 

Play called and huddle broken, we get to the line of scrimmage. I make a quick read

THIRTY NINE IS THE MIKE… THIRTY NINE IS THE MIKE (I couldn't help myself) 

39 yells back at me: 

DON'T BE SAYING THAT STUPID SHIT OUT HERE BARSTOOL

I laughed. 

I clapped. 

Obviously that should've been 6 the other way but my tight end made a play. That's what players do. We make plays. 

In all honesty though I blacked out when they sent the house. Years of watching Aaron Rodgers knife my Bears has taught me the value of a quick release. I suppose that explains my ability to manage a terrible snap (no offense) and get this one off. 

In all seriousness though it was just a preposterous day top to bottom. I would have been perfectly content holding the first down marker much less running around the field doing keg stand celly's with the boys. For that I'd like to thank Coach Bielema, whoever convinced him this was a good idea and everyone that's followed along as we've done more with the University this year. 

Now if you excuse me I have film to watch. 126 days until Wyoming comes to town. 

I-L-L