Another Day, Another Airline Passenger Arrested for Masturbating

Bob Riha Jr. Getty Images.

As we move inexorably onward to the end of Western Civilization as we've known it, as our entire culture picks up speed swirling the bowl and we look for signs that we are about to enter the drain once and for all, there is no more accurate benchmark than air travel. 

The airlines are a great sociological laboratory. Put a completely random group of people from all walks of life, different backgrounds, varied demographic groups and socio-economic strata into a metal tube, pack them in like veal calves, and isolate them in the upper atmosphere for hours on end, and allow the great human experiment begin! That's why so many leading indicators of where we are heading begin on the passenger jets and then make their way into the broader culture. 

And the latest one would appear to be guys freely jerking it in plain view of their fellow passengers:

In that instance, the woman sitting next to the perp took photos, then quietly alerted the flight crew, who moved her to another seat, alerted authorities on the ground, who then hauled Jackie McJagoff away in cuffs when he deboarded. He claimed he was aware this poor, unsuspecting woman saw him, but claimed he thought she was into it.

One is an isolated incident. Two in the span of a few days? That's a trend:

Justice.gov - A Florida man was arrested today for allegedly performing a lewd act aboard an aircraft in flight from Newark to Boston on Friday, April 8, 2022.

Donald Edward Robinson, 76, of Bonita Springs, Fla. …  allegedly engaged in masturbation and exposed his penis to a 21-year-old female passenger seated next to him while onboard a flight from Newark to Boston. Robinson then placed his hand on top of the victim’s thigh without her consent.

Shortly after departure, the victim recorded a 24-second video of Robinson allegedly fondling and manipulating his penis through his pants. A short time later, it is alleged that the victim looked over and saw that Robinson had exposed his penis. Approximately five minutes before landing, Robinson allegedly placed his hand on the victim’s thigh, prompting the victim to ask why he was touching her, to which Robinson withdrew his hand and looked out the window. It is alleged that the victim then got the attention of another passenger and displayed a message on her phone, “Hi, this man assaulted me and touched my leg and is masturbating.”

During the deplaning process, the victim approached a flight attendant about the incident but was unable to point Robinson out due to the volume of passengers deplaning. It is alleged that security footage captured Robinson, upon exiting the secure area of the terminal, repeatedly looking back in the direction from which he came while proceeding to the baggage carousel level.

So this is apparently a thing now. You can fly the friendly skies, just be prepared for them getting a lot friendlier than you signed on for. The in-flight entertainment now includes cable, on-demand movies and music, and a one-man Lemon Party in the next seat. They don't serve meals any more, but your fellow passengers are sitting by, ready to whip up a batch. When that seat belt light goes off, it's a sign you are now free to move about zipper. Air travel, 2022: Where nobody has had it with these motherfucking trouser snakes on this motherfucking plane. 

I post this both as a reminder that the total collapse of civilization is still right on schedule (even if none of the flights are). But also as a request to the next female passenger is stuck next to a guy with a court-ordered ankle bracelet in his future. If at all possible - and I can't imagine being in your situation so I'm not judging - instead of remaining as calm and composed as these two women did, I'm going to respectfully ask you to do something I never imagined I'd want out of a fellow passsenger:

Make a scene. 

Do it for all of us. The next creepshow who whips it out on a plane doesn't deserve discretion. He deserves you to snap a photo, stand up, hold your phone up for all to see, and yell, "We've got a masturbator here! Everyone, put down your books and tablets and come see this perv flogging his dolphin like he's in his own bathroom!" Then we can all publicly shame him. If not give him the full United 93 "Let's roll" treatment with the beverage cart. You'll be doing us all a favor if you can. And maybe delay the end of the world in the process. Even though I'm not sure it's worth putting off the inevitable even a little bit. Thank you in advance for your service.