The USFL Unveiled Their New Mascots And They Are Exactly What You Expect

The USFL has unveiled their team mascots just in time for the leagues first games this weekend.

First up we have The Tampa Bay Bandit.

The Bandit is new to this side of the law. Before ditching his signature sunglasses for the red bandana, he worked as a crime scene investigator just a few hours away in Miami.

If the USFL doesn't work out, The Bandit is going to say one last one-liner and blow himself up.

No, that's not a fresh squeeze of toothpaste. That's The Breaker. He is the lesser known brother of Mr. Freeze, but you won't hear any bad puns from this guy.

If the USFL doesn't work out, he's going to walk into the ocean.

Next up, we have the Birmingham Stallion. Raised on the set of My Little Pony, Stallion is ready for the big stage of minor league football. 

If the USFL doesn't work out, Stallion will move up north to live in a wonderful nursing home retirement community, Elmer Farms.

This is the Gambler. Before hitting the jackpot and being selected as Houston's mascot, Gambler was running daily home games out of his 1 bedroom apartment. 

If The USFL doesn't work out, he's going to be the 4th chair on Cracking Aces, the biggest poker podcast at Barstool.

And here we have… This Thing! From literal parts unknown, all we know about this thing is it is not an ambi-looker. It can't look left!

If The USFL doesn't work out, it already has a plan to return to the Upside Down.

The Mauler is here to work! Recently retired after a long career with a certain other Pittsburgh football team, Mauler believes he still has some gas left in the tank.

If The USFL doesn't work out, Mauler would like to use his hands for good and plans to attend massage therapy school.

The Michigan Panther is on the prowl. Panther is tired of his kind not getting the recognition they deserve. All people are talking about are cougars these days! Don't get him started on the Florida Panthers, which are not actually panthers, but Pumas, which are you guessed it, cougars!

If The USFL doesn't work out, he's going to voluntarily check himself into the Detroit Zoo.

Last, but certainly not least (Well, maybe least, we will find out), is the New Jersey General. Before being commissioned, General was selling cheap insurance to desperate people.

If The USFL doesn't work out, you can find General in Times Square taking unwanted pictures of frightened tourists for tips.