The Best Rock Album Released This Week Wasn’t From RHCP or MGK...It Was From The Guardians

I’m a firm believer that Rock and Roll isn’t dead you just have to look in the right places. Sure, MGK and Red Hot Chili Peppers both dropped albums this week. And yeah they are both great in their own way. But there is a new sheriff in town and they’re ready to melt your face…

Ladies and gentlemen, The Cleveland Guardians new theme song…

If that doesn’t make you want to do blow off a hooker’s tits while trashing a hotel room I don’t know what will. It’s sounds like a cover band that does exclusively Breathe Carolina (before the DJ days) and Paramore but with all the production value of a local discount furniture store jingle. Basically it’s as Cleveland Guardians as you can get.

And you may be asking yourself, “why would the Guardians put out a theme song that quite obviously no one is going to listen to?” And to that I would respond, “why does a magician have doves and a hot assistant?” Sleight of hand.

While you’re headbanging and clapping along to what should almost assuredly be this generations pour Some Sugar On Me, the Guardians are busy spending basically nothing in the same offseason where they pissed off half their fanbase by rebranding the franchise. Look over here while the magic of completely fucking an entire fanbase out of excitement happens over there. Presto!

The team has been catching heat from not only their own fan base but also opposing players for being cheap bastards. Joc Pederson can try and dunk on the Guardians all he wants but do the Giants have a bad ass song that a 5,000 predominantly white people will clap along to offbeat on a Tuesday night? I think the fuck not.

This is chess. Not checkers, Joc. And speaking of chess, the Guards (that’s the awful nickname that every beat reporter is trying to shove down our throats) have been leaking all week that things are getting hot and heavy between them and Jose Ramirez for a new contract extension.

Oh, you think they are actually going to get this deal done? One that might win back even a shred of the dignity and trust the Dolan’s have lost with their fanbase? LOLOLOLOLOLOL. What a simple fool you must be. They have an artificial deadline of opening day and that’s only six days away.

So all they have to do is distract the fans for less than a week and they can say whoopsie, looks like we will have to think about this again next offseason. Sorry, we tried. Oh, and that outfield that is definitely the worst in the majors, there’s no need to pay attention to that when we have THIS….

VOILA!

Who needs a quality lineup when you have Tom Hanks?

And for their next trick (always a fan favorite) they are going to make zero moves at the trade deadline and blame the fanbase for not showing up to games! Isn’t magic fun?!

Look, I hope I’m wrong and they actually get something done with Ramirez. It would be the first time they extended a key player in their entire ownership of the team and would probably be at least double the biggest contract they have ever handed out, 3-years and $60 Million to Edwin Encarnacion.

But it’s also the very least they can do. Over the last six seasons Ramirez is third in WAR behind only Mike Trout and Mookie Betts. And even if they gave him a “massive” deal they would still be well under $80 million in payroll and he would be THE ONLY PLAYER ON THE ROSTER THEY OWE A CENT BEYOND 2022.

This is ownership so cheap they wouldn't even change the entire training complex sign and instead just bought four new letters.

So sack up and extend Ramirez already otherwise that shitty royalty-free sounding rock song will be the highlight of your year. And MGK’s stadium concert in Cleveland later this summer will draw more than your entire season.

Now let’s enjoy some 90’s Indians playoff highlights shall we?