The Newest Trend in Fitness? Apparently it's Fascism.

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As we continue to climb out of the existential hole that Covid buried us in and move onto other great societal ills such as war, crime, continued economic collapse and celebrities slapping each other, it's imperative that we not distract ourselves into forgetting about the terrible effects the pandemic had on us. How even those who were not terribly vulnerable to the virus suffered the ill-heath associated with depression, addiction, anxiety and, above all else, obesity. 

This moment is a historic opportunity for us all to come together and have a national discussion on this crucial health topics. Especially when you look at the world wide data and see that places where the population is generally speaking less obese made it through the pandemic in much better shape than here in the states. Places like Japan, China and African countries report much lower morbidity rates than the United States. So this could, and should, be a reckoning for us all. 

Well one expert is looking into it. Cynthia Miller-Idriss, who is described as "a professor in the School of Public Affairs and the School of Education at American University, where she directs the Polarization and Extremism Research and Innovation Lab (PERIL)" has (no pun intended) weighed in on the topic of our public health. And what she found was that America's healthy public is … fascist? I guess?

Source - Earlier this month, researchers reported that a network of online “fascist fitness” chat groups on the encrypted platform Telegram are recruiting and radicalizing young men with neo-Nazi and white supremacist extremist ideologies. Initially lured with health tips and strategies for positive physical changes, new recruits are later invited to closed chat groups where far-right content is shared.

Physical fitness has always been central to the far right. In “Mein Kampf,” Hitler fixated on boxing and jujitsu, believing they could help him create an army of millions whose aggressive spirit and impeccably trained bodies, combined with “fanatical love of the fatherland,” would do more for the German nation than any “mediocre” tactical weapons training. …

The intersection of extremism and fitness leans into a shared obsession with the male body, training, masculinity, testosterone, strength and competition. Physical fitness training, especially in combat sports, appeals to the far right for many reasons: fighters are trained to accept significant physical pain, to be “warriors,” and to embrace messaging around solidarity, heroism, and brotherhood. It’s championed as a tool to help fight the “coming race war” and the street battles that will precede it. Recruits are encouraged to link individual moral virtues such as willpower, decisiveness and courage, with desired collective traits such as virility and manliness. This also works in reverse, with white supremacists encouraging potential recruits or activists to stay in good physical shape as a way of managing self-presentation to the public. …

With recruitment now moving from physical gyms to chat rooms, livestreamed fights, tournaments, festivals, and even combat sports video games, we’re seeing extremist fighting culture being combined with an entertainment culture that already valorizes violence and hypermasculinity.

Sneaky as the dickens! Who knew this was a thing? As you headed back to the gym after it was closed for months, trying to work off the Covid-15 you gained while clearing out the freezer of all the Trader Joe's frozen entrees you loaded up on while watching "Tiger King," you were actually playing right into Hitler's hands. Ol' Schickelgruber from beyond the grave, turning every guy spotting each other at the weight bench into one of his pure Aryan Brownshirts, when all they thought they were doing was getting their pump on. Absolutely diabolical. And you thought setting off the Lunk Alarm was a crime. 

Look, I'm against the neo-Nazis as much as the next guy. My father didn't serve on a ship that sent a bunch of the original grimy bastards to the bottom of the Atlantic just to have them spring back up again, recruiting each other at the Lat Pulldown machine, Incline Press and the Overhead Lift. Fuck those creeps. I just remember his heart giving out when he was 54 years old, so I made a commitment to keeping my weight down and stay fit. I just never expected I was walking into a Hitler Youth rally every morning when I walked past the Ellipticals on my way to the Ab Crunch. 

So hopefully this will enlighten a lot of us. Because you might come away with a nice six-pack, but it won't look good when you're conducting another Beer Hall Putsch. So beware of that dickhead with the gallon jug of water and the spaghetti straps on his tank, because he's out to get you to join him in his racist obsession with cleansing the world of the Untermenschen. Which, if your racial makeup is anything like mine, you technically are. 

I suppose the smart thing for us all to do then is just avoid fitness so we don't fall under this spell. Stay home. Stay drunk. Load up on 6,000 calories a day. Keep that carb intake going. Anything to stay morbidly obese and undesirable to this vast network of buff, muscular haters who are trying to poison our society. Thanks, experts. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a gym membership to cancel and a bucket of chicken to consume.