"The Shortest Grudge I Ever Held Was For Eternity..."
Bettmann. Getty Images.The shortest grudge I ever held was for eternity. Once someone pisses me off or does me wrong, they're "dead to me" and I never look back…
I'm very familiar with Buddha's quote, "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die", but despite those profound words of wisdom, for most of my life I willingly drank the poison and unknowingly lived with the consequences…
When I look through my little black book, one I've had for 35+ years, the names of people I'm no longer friendly with far outnumber the people I still call. I've always believed that was the cost of doing business, one of the casualties of life, and up until last Sunday, I had little reason to think otherwise.
Before there were cellphones with "Contacts" we had little black books with telephone numbers & addresses. I still have mine…
Then, last Sunday, while pushing a shopping cart through BJ's with my wife, I saw an 'old friend-turned-enemy' pushing a cart next to me. I immediately recognized him and when I saw that he wanted to change sides of the aisle, I stopped, called him by name, and waved him ahead. When he realized I knew him he looked at me curiously, trying to figure out who I was.
While my wife is receiving chemotherapy I continue to wear a mask in stores, so while he searched the top half of my face and was coming up empty, I pulled my mask down under my chin and he immediately recognized me. "Vinnie!" he blurted out, and then he smiled and surprised me by offering his right hand. We shook and it really was a "great to see you" kind of handshake; enthusiastic and friendly…
I fully expected that from there we'd revisit the extreme hatred we had for each other 20 years ago, but instead, we went further back to when we were still good friends, and in that moment, I no longer felt the hate, hate that had been living rent-free in my head for quite a long time. For a while, we were combatants, like Ali-Frazier. But for the record, I was Ali. (at least I'd like to think so)
He led with, "A lot of bad things happened back then…" and then he looked at me and waited for my reaction. I responded, "Yeah, but we made it through alive and next time we'll do better." He nodded in agreement and then added, "I hope there's a next time…"
I asked him about his two boys and he was excited to tell me that they were both doing well, and not in a braggadocios way, but rather in a way one friend would tell another. He knew that despite everything that had happened between us, I'd still be happy to hear the good news about his boys.
Bumping into him in BJ's was totally unexpected, and before we parted we wished each other well, and it felt sincere; we had finally buried the hatchet.
It felt good to discard all the angry baggage and to have a positive interaction. It was a good feeling for me, like a weight had been lifted.
I always heard that "things happen for a reason". Over the last 20 years, although we both live in the same town, he and I never bumped into one another, not once, until last Sunday. I'm glad that when it finally happened we were able to move past the hate and closer to the friendship we once had. At the very least, we were civil and if I'm being honest, even a bit friendly.
It took 20 years to get there, and maybe that's the brewing time for friendships gone bad, or, maybe it has more to do with the realization of our own mortality…
Whatever it was, it allowed us to put an end to the hate and move on. And, I'm finally okay with that. There's no need to hold a grudge for eternity…
Come down off your throne and leave your body alone
Somebody must change.
You are the reason I've been waiting so long
Somebody holds the key.
But I'm near the end and I just ain't got the time, oh
And I'm wasted, can't find my way home.
Can't find my way home…