The Piano Man Really Sucked On The Organ
I was thumbing through TikTok late last night when some random gent popped up with a revelation that started as a question...
Which character from the Billy Joel song "Piano Man" was gay?
Perhaps it was the late hour, or perhaps it was the 3CHi kicking in (use promo code TWISTED for a discount at checkout), but I found the question intriguing. So I paused the thread and started to hum Piano Man to myself to see if I could find the culprit.
The first person I thought of was Paul, who was a real estate novelist who apparently never had time for a wife. Maybe the real reason Paul never found time for a wife is that he was into dudes?
So I un-paused the thread and the gentleman on the TikTok proceeded to reveal something that blew my mind...
EVERYONE AT THE BAR IN 'PIANO MAN' WAS GAY.
Stay with me on this… And apologies if you've heard this theory before.
After he dropped that bomb on me, he proceeded to further drop a theory that the guy playing the piano was the only straight guy in a gay bar, and all the regulars thought it was some sort of inside joke that Piano Man never caught on to his surroundings.
Keeping that theory in mind, please reconsider the lyrics from now until the end of time…
It's nine o'clock on a Saturday (prime gay bar hours)
The regular crowd shuffles in (gays looooooove to shuffle… everyone knows that)
There's an old man sittin' next to me (uh-oh)
Makin' love to his tonic and gin (perhaps he had his dick in his drink?)
He says, "Son can you play me a memory? (sure, Daddy)
I'm not really sure how it goes
But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete
When I wore a younger man's clothes" (a "younger man" he just barebacked, no doubt)
La, la-la, di-di-da
La-la di-di-da da-dum (gaaaaaaaaaaay!)
Sing us a song, you're the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feelin' alright (and by "alright", we mean "hard")
Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free (I bet he does… he's grooming you, Billy)
And he's quick with a joke, or to light up your smoke
But there's some place that he'd rather be (at home, fucking you)
He says, "Bill, I believe this is killing me"
As a smile ran away from his face
"Well, I'm sure that I could be a movie star (gay porn?)
If I could get out of this place"
Oh, la, la-la, di-di-da
La-la di-di-da da-dum (gaaaaaaaay!)
Now Paul is a real estate novelist
Who never had time for a wife (wives?… ewwww!)
And he's talkin' with Davy, who's still in the navy
And probably will be for life (because he likes being on ships with dudes)
And the waitress is practicing politics (lesbian)
As the businessmen slowly get stoned
Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness
But it's better than drinkin' alone (or with the opposite sex)
Sing us the song, you're the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feelin' alright
It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday
And the manager gives me a smile (and probably a wink)
'Cause he knows that it's me they've been comin' to see
To forget about life for a while (and to have unprotected sex in the bathroom stall)
And the piano, it sounds like a carnival
And the microphone smells like a beer (you sure that's beer?)
And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar
And say man what are you doin' here? (when we could go back to my place)
Oh, la, la-la, di-di-da
La-la di-di-da da-dum (last one: gaaaaaaay!)
Sing us the song, you're the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feelin' alright
Now I am pretty sure this theory does not hold water, and Billy Joel himself at one point said the characters in this song are based on real-life (presumably straight) patrons from his favorite Long Island watering hole. But once you've seen this gay angle, I don't think it can be unseen which, in turn, may ruin an iconic song for the handful of readers I have residing on the North shore of LI.
And even though I didn't start the fire, just knowing that I may have ruined Billy Joel for a group of people not only made my day… It made my hole weak.
You're welcome.
Take a report.
-Large
Credit where credit is due… I found the dude who posted it.
TAR
-L