Armageddon Is Here: Japanese Spiders Are Set To Take Over The Entire East Coast This Summer

(SOURCE)

“A big no!” said Donneisha Match

“Oh lord Jesus,” said Gregory Lightfoot.

University of Georgia scientists have released a study saying our new eight-legged residents are about to become even more prolific in Georgia and spread up and down the entire East Coast.

“No predators, it doesn’t have anything that’s controlling its population size in the new habitat, but it has perfect conditions to spread,” said Benjamin Frick, co-author of the study and an undergraduate at Odum School of Ecology, University of Georgia.

Originally from Japan, the 3-inch long Joro Spider made its way first to Georgia, but it has begun to slowly spread out.

Scientists say it will continue to do so because of its ability to survive the cold.

Here's a little quirk about me: I fucking hate spiders. I hate them so much it was kinda difficult for me to construct this blog, as it's difficult for me to so much as look at them on TV or a computer screen. Spiders are terrifying to me. I don't know why; I know there aren't really any in the midwest that can hurt me, at least to my knowledge. I know one rolled up news paper is all I need to end their threat should one invade my space. I know my fear is irrational. 

They give me what I like to call the "heebie jeebies".

Plainly put, they scare the shit out of me. That's why when I pulled up the internet this morning at 630am and saw that these giant "Joro spiders" are going to be taking over the east coast, I was fully ready to start an actual quarantine. Like... a real quarantine, not the half assed one we did in April of 2020 or w/e. I want the full might of our military cutting off the entire east coast from the rest of civilization; I'm talking from Maine all the way down through Miami.

If that doesn't work?

Nuke the bastards. Sure, nuking our own soil & civilians might come off as "extra" or "wildly unnecessary", but we have to stop the threat of these foreign invaders before they stop us. Nuclear war may be the only way to do so. Plus, these bombs would take out a healthy amount of greasy gabagool Yankee fans. 

It's just not safe. If you live on the east coast - and that includes my mom, her entire side of the family, and almost all of my coworkers - you are dead to the rest of the world. I'm sorry, but that's the way it goes. If Biden has a nutsack, he'd read this blog and immediately start blowing up bridges and other access ways from the east coast to the rest of the country. Everyone is talking Russia Russia Russia (again), but they're not the threat anymore. A threat, sure, but not the threat. The real threat is from Japan (again), has 8 legs and is already on domestic soil.