All-Star Weekend Night 1 Recap: Barkley Sent A Message To The Haters, Jimmy Butler Went Country, And Shawn Kemp Was Trying To Impregnate Everyone

NBA All-Star weekend coming to a place like Cleveland is like a famous person showing up to a high school basketball game. No one knows how to act, everyone records their every move, and the horniness is at a fever pitch.

A Cleveland celebrity sighting usually comes in two forms: Carlos Baerga drinking solo on a Wednesday night or Geraldo shopping for product to put on his glorious mustache. So the fact that so many celebs have descended on our city (one in which the downtown can be walked end to end in less than 20 mins) is pure fucking mayhem.

I won’t even get into the Lil Wayne, Fat Joe, or DJ Jazzy Jeff performances. Those are passe as far as All-Star weekend sightings go. No, I’m talking iced out Guy Fieri chomping a stogie and about to rip some Clase Azul level celeb sightings.

When the Mayor of Flavortown is stunting on fools this hard you know it’s going to be a hell of a weekend. Not even the 19 degree weather and bone-chilling gale force winds can stop that frosted-tipped freight train.

Speaking of giant bad-asses, Shaq hit up Barley House for a couple cocktails and calm, intellectual banter with a few friends.

Is there a club on planet earth this monster hasn’t smashed? The guy is 7’1” of trap DJing, unadulterated swag. Word on the street is there was a bet which Barley Girl gets knocked up this weekend. Whoever that princess is, she should be so lucky to receive the seed of this God that’s walks amongst us.

Not to be outdone, his buddy Charles Barkley decided to partake in the festivities. Barkley is world renowned for his eloquent articulation and masterful grasp of the English language. So when he grabbed the mic and address the crowd it was no surprise that pure poetry cascaded from his lips.

Buying out the bar for five songs and then starting it off by dedicating Hate Me Now to “all you fucking haters out there” is a legendary move. Put this speech in rafters immediately. Hang it right next to MLK’s I Have A Dream Speech and Bill O’Reilly doing it fucking live rant. It was also super thoughtful of him not to throw anyone through a plate glass window this time.

Side note: The word legend gets thrown around way too freely these days. Not every fast food worker who hooks you up with a free fountain drink is a legend. They’re probably just stoned out of their gourd, forgot to ring it in, and are too lazy to make a second transaction. Barkley = legend. Drive through stoner kid = burnout.

There was a pop-up party at Dante’s new spot he is opening with Chase Rice called The Farm and Jimmy Butler showed up. Can’t say I expected to see a guy like Butler passing out shots at a country bar but it’s All-Star weekend so it definitely plays.

Honestly, Jimmy Butler can do whatever the fuck he wants. He has literally bullied every player and coach he has ever played with so who am I to tell him he can’t slang some whiskey and get down to the Applebee’s song? I’m not here to flannel shame anyone.

By far my favorite thing of the night happened around 2am. The NBA 75th Anniversary party was at Ivy and the guest list was unreal. Kareem, Magic, Ray Allen, Allen Iverson, Clyde Drexler …basically every big swinging dick from NBA history was there getting their drink on. The party ended around 1 and everyone left, well everyone except Shawn Kemp.

That’s right the Reign Man, aka the walking child tax credit, hung around and was definitely trying to find a fresh womb to incubate what I have to imagine would be his 30th child. My man had on almost as many gold chains as he has dependents on his tax return and was gaming down every husky girl within a 50 foot radius.

This too can be classified in the legend category.

Now if you will excuse me I have to try and fight off this hangover and hit the streets again. It’s All-Star weekend, no excuses. Play like a champion.