I Hereby Disavow Clem ( AKA Clemzingis, AKA The Clem Report, AKA The Many Snacks God)
Last week I was sadly unable to participate due to a scheduling conflict. That conflict involved winning a Championship in Vegas while burying goals fed to me by Patrick Sharp
Many people asked about the picture above and said I was playing hockey in boxer briefs. That is false. Unequivocally false. Those are lululemon shorts and I just have an ass that won't quit so I fill them out. Sue me.
So Red Ed decided to have Clem sit in for me. Now, I have always loved Clem. I think he's hilarious and one of the kindest people I've met through Barstool. He takes the snake drafts very seriously and usually does a good job. Except for this time when said he drafted for me. As me. No no no. You did NOT do that Clem. In fact, looking at his list I find it EXTREMELY problematic. I disavow his draft picks and what they stand for. I fucking hate the show Friends. Never liked it. Trader Joes? Pass. If I wanted a guy salivating over my grocery bag, asking me what I am cooking for dinner while he's wearing a Hawaiian shirt I'd just move in with Big Cat. The other ones I am fine with. Just wouldn't be my list so I decided to make my own out of nothing, but things that weren't selected in the Joe draft.
1) Joe Namath
Joe Burrow was drafted 3rd overall because he's so cool and is playing in a Super Bowl. Joe Namath was so cool that he made the Hall of Fame even though he objectively sucked. 173 TDs, 220 INTs and only hit 50.1% of his targets on the field. Off the field...he touched them all. Largest kill list of them all.
2) Jos. A Bank
Name another Joe drafted that would give you 4 shirts for the price of one? Name another store that would allow you have your entire work week attire covered for about $250. You can't. Jos A Bank was a right of passage for every freshly graduated male heading into a new job that would suck your soul down to hell 9 hours a day. At least you would like the way you looked. Sadly, Jos A Bank was a victim of Covid. The Pandemic put an end to college graduates entering the workforce and office attire in general. August 2020 Jos A Bank announced that they'd permanently close 500 stores. RIP
3) Joe Martinson
Who is Joe Martinson? Uhh...I don't know. Maybe the guy who defines office life even more than Jos A Bank. The guy who basically invented coffee culture and a dependency in America. Ever heard of someone refer to coffee as a "cup of Joe"? Well that is because of Joe Martinson. Just taught you all something. Imagine getting through your day without him. Big Cat can't
4) Joey From Dawson's Creek
If you are going to pick a TV star from the late 90s, pick the one that got young Chief all horned up, Joey Potter from Dawson's Creek. The quintessential girl next door. At that time in my life when everyone was trying to quickly get off to Britney Spears or Aguilara on TRL, I was looking for a Joey Potter.
5) Joe CockerI get by with a little help from my friends…just not Clem.
You can still make your voice heard. Write in ballot for my list in the replies to this tweet