A Tribute to ABC's 'Superstars,' the Best Reality Show Competition in the History of Trash TV
Thursday night I found myself watching the NFL Skills Competition at the Pro Bowl. Because as you kids like to say, since I'm so hep to your lingo, my life is lit, yo! And it was sometime around the finale, where they had the best players in the league from teams not good enough to still be playing, facing off in a game of Dodgeball that something hit me.
I'm doing the exact same thing I did when I was like 12. Seriously. Aside from the fact the can in my hand contained a hoppy lager instead of Mountain Dew, I haven't changed an iota. Even the moobs I got from all that high fructose deliciousness are back. And I still can't grow a beard. I'm still sitting on a couch watching elite athletes facing off in a silly, useless competition on TV, just like I did in the 70s.
Before I get into it, allow this OK Boomer to explain to you Millennials and Gen-Zs what TV was like for us. You had the three networks, plus PBS. Which, while being 25% of all viewing options, still managed to be somehow even less relevant than it is today, when you have a billion. Every market also had a few local, independent UHF stations (see the Weird Al film of the same name for more details). Boston had two, and they alternated between The Three Stooges, pro wrestling, Red Sox games and movies about WWII. Which now that I type that, makes me realize the ol' Electric Babysitters that were Channels 38 and 56 molded me into the person I am today.
And with so few options, the stakes for these networks to win your viewership were infinitely higher than they are today. A ratings point here and there represented tens of millions of viewers and the ad revenue that went where their eyeballs went. And the surest way to attract a big audience was by offering two things:
Pure dreck an famous people.
That was the formula. All that was required was trash programming filled with people you recognized. It was a weird time in celebrity culture in which there were people who were famous for reasons that where never clear. They'd populate the game shows and fill up the Tonight Show sofa and you weren't always sure why. "Humorists" who never did five minutes of stand up in their lives, but would go on talk shows and tell stories or crack wise on "Hollywood Squares." Or then there were women like Zsa Zsa Gabor, who would charm the polyester off Johnny Carson, but who was famous just for being famous. Like a prototype Kim Kardashian, but without the sex tape. Her twin sister Evan was at least on "Green Acres," but no one knew what she put in the box that said "Occupation" on her 1040.
So entertainment was all about that culture. There's be shows like "The Love Boat" where one of the passengers would be the dad from "Happy Days" getting seduced by a hot Swedish masseuse, and you'd watch this nonsense just because Mr. Cunningham was on. Or "Fantasy Island," where maybe one of Charlie's Angels was on and you'd watch to see what clever plot device the writers would use to get her into wet clothes. (OK, sex was also a part of the formula. But that's a different rabbit hole.)
I'll give you an example. Let's say it's the mid-70s, and you wanted to introduce a show like "The Sopranos" to a wide audience. It would've gone like this:
"Channel 4 is showing this gritty, compelling, well-crafted mob drama, filled with a rich ensemble of lesser known but gifted character actors." Hmm. Nahhh.
"Channel 5 has 'The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island.'" That's the one where Martin Landau plays the Russian billionaire who builds a team of basketball playing robots! Put it on!
And those famous people included sport figures. We'd watch anything they did. Joe Namath and Deacon Jones stunt-casted into "The Brady Bunch." Dick Enberg used to host a quiz show called "Sports Challenge" where three man teams would answer trivia questions over the noise of Enberg's loud, plaid blazers. Like the Yankees team would be Billy Martin, Mickey Mantle and Whitey Ford, going up against a Celtics team of Red Auerbach, Don Nelson and K.C. Jones or whomever. (I didn't look up who was actually on, but that sounds sort of familiar.) Not to mention, that era gave birth to the greatest ad campaign in modern history:
And it was into this culture of peak celebrity and athlete worship that ABC, in their infinite wisdom, gave us "Superstars." Apparently there was a version that was rebooted in the 1990s, but nobody remembers or cares. The original series was the sort of groundbreaking garbage TV that it imprinted on a generation. And a certain Young Balls in a way that created a direct through line to these Old Balls last night.
The idea was as radical as it was simple. Get the best athletes you can possibly assemble in one place, have them compete in sports out of their comfort zone, determine a winner, bring opium to the masses. Think any Pro Bowl or All Star Game skills competition, mixed with "American Ninja Warriors," add a dash of "Survivor" challenges, and maybe a pinch of "Dancing With the Stars."
I've been doing a lot of talking here, and it's best to show, not tell:
And arguably the most famous moment in "Superstars" history came in the very first season, when Joe Frazier dove into a pool trying to outswim motor sports driver Peter Revson, Olympic skier Jean-Claude Killy, and pole vault record holder Bob Seagren. The only wrinkle in the race? Frazier never learned how to swim:
From Wikipedia:
Frazier nearly drowned, and only after he was retrieved from the pool did he admit to commentators that he didn't know how to swim. When a reporter asked him why he tried the race, Frazier replied, "How was I to know I couldn't unless I tried it?" He also famously opined, "That Mark Spitz," (who had won several gold medals for swimming at the 1972 Olympics) "is a tough muthafucker!"
Interestingly enough, according to this website I can't get enough of, Superstars.org, dedicated exclusively to chronicling this show and all it's iterations in other countries, the whole idea for "Superstars" came from Figure Skating legend Dick Button. I wish I'd known this when I sat a few rows in front of him at the World Championships in Boston in 2016:
In 1948 … the A.A.U. selected Button as the recipient of the Sullivan Award as the nation's outstanding amateur athlete. Button saw this as incongruous as he knew he was the worst athlete in his prep school class, "I was nonplussed. I was a terrible athlete." This planted a seed in young Button's mind that there must be a way to find the best all-around athlete. Fast forward 25 years, Button has become a Harvard law school graduate and influential television analyst. He started his own production company, Candid Productions, which produced made-for-television figure skating events. Button had been shopping the idea of a professional athletes' decathlon to the three major network sports departments with no success. … ABC had lost the rights to the NBA, so they needed some weekend sports programming. ABC bought the idea and the first competition was scheduled as a two-hour, one-shot special.
The initial competition was slated to be held in the planned community of Rotonda, Florida. Each of the ten athletes invited would get a quarter acre piece of land in Rotonda worth $8,500 as well as his prize money.
In addition to the aforementioned guys in that swim race, the other athletes that first season consisted of Johnny Bench, Johnny Unitas, Rod Gilbert, Elvin Hayes, tennis player Rod Laver, and bowler Jim Stefanich. Besides Swimming/Nearly Drowning, the events they competed in were Cycling, Tennis (by rule, Laver wasn't allowed), Golf, Bowling (same with Stefanich), Baseball Batting (ditto Bench), Table Tennis, a 100-Yard Dash, Half-Mile Run, and Weight Lifting. Where the bowler beat the Heavyweight Boxing champ:
More from Superstars.org:
Seagren took his winning share, his first ever money earned from sport, and promptly bought a new house which had previously been out of the price range of Seagren and his wife, Cam. … Smith would compete in the Superstars in 1975 and earn $11,000. Seagren would compete for years to come and earn a total of $206,900.
Reaction was good, especially in terms of television ratings. ABC was more than happy with the telecast, and returned in 1974 with five weeks worth of Superstars. The golf event did not come across well on television and the table tennis was quickly eliminated, being replaced with an event that would become a signature of Superstars, the obstacle course. The idea seemed sure to grow as ABC producer Don Ohlmeyer asked, "How would it be if O.J. Simpson and John Havlicek were added to the list next year." Well, that's exactly what happened, the Superstars was just about to explode.
The second season was a hit, but bordered on the chaotic. And one true Superstar emerged who would dominate for the next three seasons:
The second Superstars final was won by a complete unknown. Soccer player Kyle Rote, Jr. ran away with the competition from the beginning to capture the first of his three Superstars titles. Finals qualifiers Reggie Jackson and Yvan Cournoyer could not participate in the final. Jackson was involved in salary arbitration with the Oakland Athletics, and Cournoyer was injured in the midst of the N.H.L. season. They were replaced by fourth place finishers Stan Smith [Tennis] and Brian Oldfield [Shot Put]. Controversy arose before the event began as Bob Seagren was permitted to enter the 100 yard dash for the first time. Rote, Simpson and Rose each expressed their displeasure with the decision. …The weather in Florida was notably cold with most of the competitors clothed in sweat suits and jackets throughout. There was a frightening moment in the bike race as Jim McMillian, trailing Dick Anderson, locked wheels with Anderson and tumbled to the track. McMillian was uninjured, but the spokes in Anderson's back wheel were damaged and he had to abandon the race. Franco Harris won the inaugural Simon Sez competition, but received no points.
You read that right. America sitting down around their living rooms to watch Hall of Famers from across 10 different athletic disciplines playing Simon Says. With hopes of future introductory competitions like Hide and Seek or Red Light, Green Light possibly hanging in the balance.
The following year, Don Ohlmeyer's best friend won title with an early demonstration of the abilities that would serve him well later on in life. And that is putting things down in an alley while wearing special shoes:
O.J. Simpson won the title by defeating the two former champions, Bob Seagren and Kyle Rote, Jr. The key to his win was a victory in bowling and a second place in rowing. Simpson said "Bowling and rowing were the key. I didn't expect to win those events. I'd hate to put it on the line with bowling again." Seeing that his previous best in three Superstars events was a 125 in bowling, his 185 winning score came as quite a surprise. Seagren lost his chance to win when he fell in the bike race.
That was the year they added a team element in a spinoff series, "Superteams." That was actually a rematch of the previous years Super Bowls and World Series, with 10 men from each team facing off against each other again. These invents included Relay Races of Running, Swimming and Cycling. As well as Volleyball and racing Outrigger War Canoes. Plus an element of "Squid Games":
That's right. Ten members of the 1974 Dodgers and A's World Series teams competed against each other for the right to face the winners of the battle between the Super Bowl IX Steelers and Vikings. It was as bonkers as it sounds. In fact, it reads like the rantings of a dementia patient who can't remember the faces of his family but can identify the faces of everyone in his 1970s baseball card collection with total clarity:
Oakland won the bike race when Davey Lopes and Ron Cey had difficulties keeping their feet on the pedals. The A's seemed destined for another win in the running relay as speedy Bill North pulled steadily away from Bill Buckner (who was not yet crippled with injuries). However, as North approached Reggie Jackson he could not complete the baton exchange and ended up face down on the track. By the time Reggie retrieved the baton Bill Russell had sped to a 20 yard lead. Ironically, it was North and Jackson who had to be separated in the A's locker room the previous season during an infamous altercation. North said that Jackson had started too soon and had not looked back.
The one major fly in "Superteams" ointment was George Steinbrenner, whose teams kept winning pennants and World Series. He might've have let his manager test his trivia skills with Dick Enberg, but drew the line at this. He made it abundantly clear he had no fucking use for sending his high-salaried talent to a beach to blow their knees and shoulders out just so ABC wouldn't have to show reruns of "The Six Million Dollar Man." So the network started to book the loser of the ALCS, which was most often the Royals. It wasn't the same.
The show would last into the 80s in that format. But as with any TV series, the novelty began to wear out and it lost its appeal and most of its audience. By then cable exploded. We had options all over the place, and MTV to make sure we never had to sit through a commercial again when we could simply flip to three minutes of "Come on Eileen." A different era had arrived. Athletes began to reconsider the idea of racing around a pool or a track against each other for prize money equivalent to what their investments were making every week. And while it took a long time to officially die out, "Superstars/Superteams" was never the same after those first few legendary years.
Thanks for reading. One day soon when the mood hits me and I'm not busy with more topical stuff, I'll do a post about the even more 1970s phenomenon that was "Battle of the Network Stars." Stay tuned.