I Don't Know The World Record For Saying "FUCK" But 37 Times In 3 Minutes From Lee Elia Sure Sounds Like A Good Place To Start
Listen I'll be the first one to say my draft this week was a tough go at it. Certainly not a reflection or indicator of my historical prowess but same time that's going to happen over 99 snake drafts. Tiger Woods missed a few cuts in his life, and he's definitely slayed his fair share of Perkins waitresses. You don't look backwards though. You don't marinate in failure. You rise from the torrid ashes of defeat like a born-again Phoenix ready to work some fucking magic. That's the mindset going into the celebration of the year, Snake Draft #100.
But first I'm definitely going to look backwards on my 3rd round pick with Lee Elia. Just an all time rant in the vast, horizonless landscape of pissed off baseball guys.
Truthfully, I thought this was in sacred lore of viral sports rant videos. Up there with Bobby Knight being tired of an 8-10 record and losing to Purdue. Right next to Augie Garrido in a locker room talking 2-out hitting and infield play. And firmly above Dennis Green and Jim Mora banging the podium and talking shit about their own football teams. In the pantheon of freaking out, nobody does it like Lee Elia confronting the harrowing realization that Cubs' fans are lousy assholes.
To me this is by far the most unbridled explosion in the history of sports. It's the tone and diction that seal it for me. He says a derivative of Fuck 37 separate times in approximately 3 minutes. There's two Cocksuckers that show up back-to-back. The phrase "kiss my fuckin ass right downtown" was formally outlawed by Chicago city council in the interest of public safety. Everywhere you listen and look across Lee Elia's rant, you will find pure solid gold. The exact same kind the West Germans tried to steal in Diehard with a Vengeance. (A grossly underrated sequel I might add.)
The best part? There's 143 games left in the season. It's just late April and he's ready for war with the friendly confines. That level of urgency is all but forgotten in today's game. Some asshole with a computer wouldn't be able to muster up a fraction of Lee Elia's passion here because he's convinced the pendulum swings back over 162. Meanwhile Elia is over here choking out Les Grobstein with a microphone chord.
That's the way it should be.
And speaking of which, RIP to Les Grobstein. I wasn't by any means one of his diehard late night guys but you can easily see the impact he had across the Chicago sports world. If you need any proof, here's the transcript he scored that afternoon from Lee Elia:
Fuck those fuckin' fans who come out here and say they're Cub fans that are supposed to be behind you, rippin' every fuckin' thing you do. I'll tell you one fuckin' thing, I hope we get fuckin' hotter than shit, just to stuff it up them 3,000 fuckin' people that show up every fuckin' day, because if they're the real Chicago fuckin' fans, they can kiss my fuckin' ass right downtown and PRINT IT.
They're really, really behind you around here...my fuckin' ass. What the fuck am I supposed to do, go out there and let my fuckin' players get destroyed every day and be quiet about it? For the fuckin' nickel-dime people who turn up? The motherfuckers don't even work. That's why they're out at the fuckin' game. They oughta go out and get a fuckin' job and find out what it's like to go out and earn a fuckin' living. Eighty-five percent of the fuckin' world is working. The other fifteen percent come out here. A fuckin' playground for the cocksuckers. Rip them motherfuckers. Rip them fuckin' cocksuckers like the fuckin' players. We got guys bustin' their fuckin' ass, and them fuckin' people boo. And that's the Cubs? My fuckin' ass. They talk about the great fuckin' support the players get around here. I haven't see it this fuckin' year. Everybody associated with this organization have been winners their whole fuckin' life. Everybody. And the credit is not given in that respect.
Alright, they don't show because we're 5 and 14...and unfortunately, that's the criteria of them dumb fifteen motherfuckin' percent that come out to day baseball. The other eighty-five percent are earning a living. I tell you, it'll take more than a 5 and 12 or 5 and 14 to destroy the makeup of this club. I guarantee you that. There's some fuckin' pros out there that wanna win. But you're stuck in a fuckin' stigma of the fuckin' Dodgers and the Phillies and the Cardinals an all that cheap shit. It's unbelievable. It really is. It's a disheartening fuckin' situation that we're in right now. Anybody who was associated with the Cub organization four or five years ago that came back and sees the multitude of progress that's been made will understand that if they're baseball people, that 5 and 14 doesn't negate all that work. We got 143 fuckin' games left.
What I'm tryin' to say is don't rip them fuckin' guys out there. Rip me. If you wanna rip somebody, rip my fuckin' ass. But don't rip them fuckin' guys 'cause they're givin' everything they can give. And right now they're tryin' to do more than God gave 'em, and that's why we make the simple mistakes. That's exactly why."
Big draft coming next week. Get more info here on how to participate: