Longhorns Coach Jeff Banks' Stripper Girlfriend's Emotional Support Monkey Allegedly Biting a Trick-or-Treater is the Story of Our Times

Michael Thomas. Shutterstock Images.

There's a line in "Wall Street" that's always resonated with me. All the big shot investment power brokers are congratulating themselves on a deal they just pulled off when the Martin Sheen character sees right through the scam they're pulling, chuckles and says, "A man lives long enough, he gets to see everything." And if you blog long enough, eventually you find a story that has everything. 

Today is just such a day. There are days on this job where you wake up and nothing is going on or the world is in flames and nothing is funny or entertaining. On those occasions, you'll find yourself wishing and hoping for a story that has 2% of the intrigue of this story. It's got sports. Sex. Animals. Holidays. Tragedy. Trash daytime TV. It's like a great work of fiction. Except nothing created by humans could ever be this good. 

This is U. of Texas special teams coach Jeff Banks. He's noted for several things. One for being the fruit of Nick Saban's coaching tree. Two, for being a hot commodity with a bright future. And three, for leaving his wife and kids for a stripper who made a name for herself on Jerry Springer a while back. 

And that name is Pole Assassin.

But life as the GOAT of Jerry Springer strippers isn't all sexy outfits, finding baby donors, breaking up marriages, and the love and adulation of a lowest common denominator audience. It takes a lot of work to climb to the top of the low rent TV show stripper ladder. And sometimes even the GOAT needs help. Which is why Pole Assassin got herself a comfort monkey. As one would when one is in need of emotional support. 

But unfortunately, the little primate reportedly gave a great deal of discomfort to a Trick-or-Treater Sunday:

I say again, reportedly. And will add allegedly, supposedly, and is accused of. Because we don't know. If "Planet of the Apes" taught us anything, it's that even a monkey is entitled to a presumption of innocence. As do their human companions:

People lie so much it’s ridiculous ! Stop believing everything u hear ! And more of what u see ! SMH! No one was viciously attack this a lie , a whole lie ! She was not apart of any haunted house , the kid did not have permission to be on the other side of my property !

I had a haunted house on one side gated off/ he had no permission to go pass the gate i had no idea he went in my back yard. neither did i know anything about a bite ! Until a doctor of neighborhood told me the treat a small bite. No parent have contacted me about it !

A 11 /12 year old child should know better then to enter someone yard without permission and old enough to also follow the rules . The rules were when u get to the gate turn around and come back out for candy every other parent and child did so !

Stop with the lies and this is my monkey not Jeffs , so why try and bash him for something that at has nothing to do with him !

And just when you think this saga has achieved maximum drama, like a Christopher Nolan film, there is yet another twist. It turns out that Jeff Banks has an eye for the ladies that extends well beyond legendary daytime basic cable pole dancers with support apes. A former sports reporter who now works as a recruiting analyst in the Texas A&M market took the opportunity to add to the plot, with a story about the time Banks mistook her for one of his lady friends at all hours of the night:

I'd like to add my own take on all this, but why bother? To include anything else would just diminish what real life has already presented us. This is a drink that doesn't deserve to be watered down. All we can do is hope that details still continue to come out. That the alleged victim recovers from his/her injuries, if any. That this beautiful couple and their furry friend get to move on with their lives. And that somebody, somewhere, makes Banks a head coach. The blogging world is counting on it.