Miles Teller Declared 'I’m Better Looking Than The Public Thinks I Am’ In A Profile That Will Make You Hate Miles Teller

Chris Spags8/05/2015 8:50 PM

Esquire – After the waitress leaves, shrugging off his comment about the highball glass, you ask [Miles Teller] about his hair. He’s brought up how nice it is in more than one interview. It’s a little defensive, like maybe he’s making up for not being the best-looking, or sometimes even the third-best-looking, guy in any given movie he’s in. “I was thinking about that today, how I probably think I’m better-looking than the public thinks I am,” he says with a laugh, like it’s funny that he’s willed himself into a higher tier of male beauty through limitless confidence. “I was in one of these forums about a film I did, and it’s like, ‘This dude is so ugly! How does he get fucking parts?’ ‘Well, he’s not, like, traditionally handsome, but?.?.?.’ And that’s kind of what it is. Maybe it’s because I came from a small town, but I always did well for myself.”

You take stock. The nose is crooked, the eyelids fleshy, the chin soft, the cheeks mottled with flush. He’s right—he has good hair, thick and cowlicked and widow’s-peaked. He’s tall and solidly muscled, with a nice tan from filming Todd Phillips’s big-budget comedy Arms and the Dudes with Jonah Hill in Miami a few months ago. He’s appealingly attainable, a good-looking guy who shouldn’t know he’s good-looking, who should believe the commenters, except that he dates a twenty-two-year-old model/aspiring swimsuit designer/professional girlfriend who thinks Teller is attractive enough to have permanently monogrammed her perfect ass with his initials.

The waitress delivers the entrées, scallops for him and pork belly for you. The pork looks great and you offer him some. “I’ll take a little bit,” he says, sawing at it. Then: “I can’t cut this.” You have to cut his meat for him, a man who ten minutes earlier showed you an iPhone photo of his back muscles to prove how strong he is. He wants you to cut it small.

I don’t have a whole lot of opinions on Miles Teller. I liked Whiplash though I thought anyone could play his part, I know the fact that he’s the star of the Fantastic Four reboot means people expect him to be one of the next big box office actors, and I remember that he brought an absolute 10/10 to the Oscars who turned out to be his girlfriend. So any information out there about him now is new information. And this new profile on him in Esquire is not the greatest introduction to the Miles Teller experience. Within a 1,000 word profile he:

-Insecurely defends how handsome he is relative to what people think
-Has a female reporter cut food for him because he cannot
-Showed the aforementioned reporter photos of his back muscles to prove he’s jacked
-Brags about how he smoked so much weed when he was in college that he would never do anything but go out and get milk tea
-Calls Joaquin Phoenix “Joaq” even though he’s never met him
-Tells a story in which he texted Whiplash‘s director “What the fuck, bro” when he lost out in a part in the guy’s new movie
-Talks about DMing Kobe Bryant for help dealing with how isolated it feels to be “achieving greatness”

I fully get the reporter is coming in with an angle and holds all the power in how this information is presented; you change a few verbs or adjectives and all of a sudden it goes from this dude jerking himself off to something more like “Miles Teller blushed. ‘Oh gosh, I hope I’m better-looking than the public thinks I am,’ he says with a laugh. ‘I came from a small town…I did well for myself.'” But god dude, can you put any more hateable stuff into one window of time than this kid did in this profile? It’s a thin line between being the popular guy actor that both genders like and find amusing like Channing Tatum to vacillating between talented weirdo and hateable fake artsy type like Shia LaBeouf and these magazine profiles are the ones that shape how the public views you. How does a publicist not go “Hey, try to be less of a douche” before you head into this interview? And how can you not cut pork belly at a fancy restaurant, legit the juiciest and softest meat product any place has? It blows my mind all around. This is the difference between you being a millionaire and a billionaire, Miles, not whether everyone thinks your Sad Boy In An Illustrated Pop-Up Book About Parents Getting Divorced face is sexy or not.

Also since I’m still on the fence about Miles Teller, I’m not sure whether I love or hate that this girl Keleigh Sperry has his initials tattooed on her ass. If I like him it’s a “#powermovesonly, you have to respect it” situation but if I hate him it’s a “Damn bro how insecure are you”/”How desperate is this chick to date someone famous” one. I hate that I have to choose now (though I’m still not mad at the pictures of her, obviously).