In The 44-Year History Of The Seattle Mariners, They Have Made The Playoffs Less Times Than They've Had Players RUPTURE THEIR OWN TESTICLES
The Mariners two-decade playoff drought has been plenty publicized to this point. But nothing quite sums up the entirety of the franchise's futility like this stat. Some people would argue this isn't a stat at all, but those people are big dumb idiot heads and are not to be trusted.
The Mariners, for my entire lifetime, have been a cool team. Great hat and logo, Hall of Fame caliber players, a tremendous mascot that brutally shattered both ankles in a rollerblading stunt gone horribly wrong,
there has always been plenty to like. And yet, they just never make the playoffs. Doesn't matter that they existed in a four team division for a good chunk of their existence. They go out there, waste careers, and lose. Even when they win 116 games, they find a way to lose. I always knew it was bad out there, I didn't know it was BALL-BUSTINGLY bad. I saw the tweet above damn near a full day ago and I can't get the Mariners' nuts out of my mind. All five of them have consumed me and will for the foreseeable future.
Mike Parrott might be the perfect Mariner after this story. Like they should retire his number, maybe change the moose mascot to a Jimmy Buffet-esque parrot, go all in with more of a pirate themed sea-based team. Because he is the essence of this franchise we've all come to know and love. One day you're dominating your competition on Opening Day, the next you've lost 16 straight decisions and are pissing blood. It all happens so quickly in the Pacific Northwest.
Josias Manzanillo took a rocket off the bat of Manny Ramirez directly to the dick and balls. That got both of 'em. One man, two shattered chestnuts. Adrian Beltre, a man famous for refusing to let anyone touch his head, is somehow also a guy who did not wear a cup. And then there's Mitch Haniger, a current member of the Mariners, who fouled a ball off his own junk. Four men, five testicles ruptured in 44 years. At a certain point, you have to look at the organization. Players foul balls of their legs all the time, grounders eat up fielders every day, players have hot starts and come back down to Earth every season, but more often than not the fellas leave the ol' ball field with everything in tact. Not in Seattle.
Five cracked nuts, four trips to October. I don't know what the exhibit should look like in Cooperstown, but I do know this is a stat worth enshrining. Somehow, some way, those fellas deserve proper recognition for putting it all on the line throughout the years for the Seattle Mariners.