There Were Bonks All Around On Barstool Vs. America Episode 3

We are officially past the halfway point in Barstool vs. America, and Episode 3 gave us our best moments so far. We will start the recap with the top headline and most obvious storyline. There's no point of dancing around it. 

Kelly and Vibbs fucked. 

Some good old-fashioned sexual intercourse at an AirBnB in Panama City Beach, Florida. Everyone knew something was awry when Vibbs was missing from the yellow team's RV in the morning. Glenny, Spider, and Kayce were befuddled as to where their teammate could be, but everyone eventually put the pieces together. 

The "Will they? Won't they?" was answered. They did. As someone who sits in the same desk grouping as them, this was no surprise at all. There's been some chemistry there and when you spend two weeks on an RV road trip together with High Noons flowing this was bound to happen. Internally predicted this to myself, so I was glad to be right. Tommy loves being right. 

Anyway, with the showmance now official, strategy obviously was going to change. Pat didn't want enemy Vibbs on their bus anymore. Glenny worried that if he cuts Vibbs right now, he'd bleed blue instead of yellow. Kayce was obviously extremely jealous. All the chemistry she had with Vibbs on Lowering The Bar is now down the drain. Thirst trap city coming to Instagram stories near you. 

Vibbs, ever the bad teammate, also forgot to text his sandwich order. So Glenny Balls offered up his half. I was stunned. If you told me Balls had a choice between half of his favorite Subway sandwich and $10,000, I would've assumed he's scarfing down that sandwich. But Balls was thinking strategically (maybe?) and Vibbs said he'd remember Glenny's help down the line. This was probably even harder on Balls, because despite claiming he doesn't get hungover, he seemed like the most hungover human being in all the land. 

And while Vibbs and Kelly are the pair that stole the show last night, there was another pair that got a ton of airtime: Glenny's tits.

It was time for the captain challenge: axe throwing. But before it started, Jeff D Probst revealed that since Vibbs broke the rules by having premarital sex, he would carry a disadvantage with him into the team challenge later that day. Shame! Shame! Shame! Glenny, Kayce, and Spider had the option to cut him right there. But after some deliberation, they chose to keep him. Morons. Even Mush and Dana mocked that decision. Putting your team at a disadvantage to keep a guy who's more loyal to his girl on the other team??? Idiotic. 

It was time to pick their Stoolie teammates, and as is tradition, Glenny got bonked. 

Marty also had the diabolical of stealing Dana's mullet brother. 

Vicious. 

As for the challenge itself, Kayce took out all her rage over Vibbs-Kelly and had a very impressive axe throwing performance, winning captain for her team. On the other side of things, it was Marty regaining the captain role for the blue team. 

On the RVs before the team challenge, the Big 3 of Marty, Dana, and Pat solidified their alliance. It was clear that if they won, Kelly was getting the boot. 

Shoutout to Kelly for the self awareness there. 

On the yellow RV, they acknowledged the clear difference in athleticism between the two teams. 

I mean come on. But Vibbs promised to make up for the fuckin with some extra energy in the challenge.

The challenge itself was very cool, probably my favorite one yet. It involved getting over a very slippery set of stairs and then feeding basketballs to your captains to shoot from 1, 3, and 5 point distances. First to 21 wins. The blue team had a 3-0 head start since yellow decided to keep Vibbs the sinner. 

But before the challenge started, Dana B, for no apparent reason, decided to piss himself. 

Now why did he decide to do that? The world may never know. 

It was challenge time and there was tons of slipping and sliding and falling. The shooters, Marty and Kayce, were tossing up brick after brick in the beginning and I was getting worried this challenge would never get to 21 points. But eventually Mush got hot and ended up doing what is undoubtedly the coolest thing he'll ever do in his entire life. 

I would tweet out this gif every day for the rest of my life and try to figure out Big Cat's idea of getting it on a t-shirt somehow.

Here were some other challenge highlights. 

Alright it was decision time for the blue team, and the choice was obvious. Marty booted Kelly to protect The Big 3 of him, Dana, and Pat. Clearly she was going to be missed. 

Kayce had to decide who to give up between Spider, Vibbs, and Glenny. So she gave up Glenny so he could go bro down with Marty and Dana. 

The episode ends with Marty, Dana, and Pat talking about what an easy road they have to the end and how they can't stopped. Pat had the quote of the episode, "It's the three headed dragon and the revolving door of losers."

Will this overconfidence kill them? Will Glenny be able to use that Balls charm to work his way into the alliance? Will Vibbs and Kelly keep having intercourse? Will Kayce try to come between them? Will Spider try to murder Jeff D Lowe? There's a lot of questions. 

Get your answers tonight at 7 PM in the penultimate episode of Barstool Vs. America.