Lighten the Fuck Up! After Playing 18 Holes He Went Straight To Confession...

Simon Marcus Taplin. Getty Images.

A man in his mid-twenties entered a confessional, made the sign of the cross, and announced, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been three years since my last confession.” The priest replied, “What is your sin, my child?”

“Well,” the young man began, “I used profane language and I feel terrible about it…”  

“When did you do use this profanity?”, asked the concerned priest.  

“This morning, I was golfing with friends and hit an incredible drive that looked like a perfect shot and headed at least 250 yards, but after traveling only 100 yards it struck a stray wire that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight to the ground…” 

"So that's when you swore…", reasoned the priest.

“No, Father,” said the young man, “After that, an Eastern Gray Squirrel scampered out of the woods, grabbed my ball in his mouth, and took off with it…”  

“Is that the moment when you swore, my child?”, the Father kindly asked…  

“Well no, Father,” said the young man, “While the squirrel was running away with my ball a Red-tailed Hawk dove out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons, and started flying away…”  

Thinking he had figured out the reason for the young man's profanity-filled tirade, the Priest concluded, “So that's when you swore.”

“No, Father”, the man replied, “As the hawk carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green and as it passed over a section of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball…”  

“That's when you swore my child?” the now impatient Priest asked in a stern voice…  

“No, Father, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, rolled through a sand trap onto the green, and stopped within six inches of the hole…”

The frustrated Priest shook his head and in a moment of great clarity asked, “You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

* Vindog has been repurposing jokes since 1968