Drake’s Bed Cost $400,000 And It Isn’t Even Shaped Like A Race Car

I bought my bed for several hundred dollars. It came in a box, it was vacuum sealed, you have to wait for it to take form and breathe a little before you can use it. It gets the job done. Four corners, flat, other things you look for in beds.

I’ll be honest with you, I appreciate nice things. I have no problem with shelling out a few more bucks for what I believe to be a superior product. I could see myself spending several thousand dollars on an elite bed at some point in my life. $400,000??? I better be able to shit in that bed and have the bed take care of that shit better than an American Standard toilet does. I’m talking flat on my back, post-Chipotle loose stool directly into the stingray fibers, carried out into the depths of the ocean type of waste management. Who even came up with the idea to sell a goddamn $400,000 bed to begin with? Did the bed come with the requisite house used to store such a piece of furniture? Because that would make a lot more sense. Perhaps if it were shaped like a race car, then I could understand the lofty price tag. But it’s not. It’s just an ominous, shifty looking mattress. Like it’s holding a dark secret, or perhaps even an ancient witch’s spell. If you told me that’s what lined the bottom of Pandora’s box I would believe you. I can picture this bed standing on a corner, smoking a cigarette, flipping a quarter while its eyes dart back and forth, a real shady character is what I’m getting at.