Helpful Tips To Survive The Apocalypse: The Top Five Household Items To Store Gasoline In

Well, it's that time of the year again. That special period where the people who don't believe anything the news tells them decides the news is now correct and the only rational response is too panic buy up a specific commodity for no apparent reason. Last year it was paper goods and Lysol wipes. This year? Well aren't we in for a treat! It's delicious, scrumptious, gasoline. The thing that was cheaper than ever last year because people weren't capable of driving anywhere somehow bounced back and became more expensive once restrictions started getting lifted, merely a few weeks before Memorial Day weekend. A coincidence, I'm sure. 

But there's no stopping this hype train. Gas is in big demand, and people can only fit so much in their weak ass, built-in car tanks. So I'm here with some helpful solutions to maximize the amount of gasoline you can get safely into your home. You're welcome. 

Storage Bins

Seems like an obvious one. I mean they're literally called storage bins. They were designed with long term storage in mind. And there's nothing you want tucked around your house like unsupervised, longterm bins of gasoline. You can even buy a Sharpie and write "Gasoline" on them so that you don't confuse your gas for your Christmas decorations. Plus they have a handy lid on top to keep dirt and dust out of your liquid gold. Super easy to carry, even easier to stack nice and tall in your basement. Storage bins are an easy first overall draft pick in the gas wars of 2021. 

Plastic Bags

Plastic bags are also an elite mechanism for transporting gas. If you think about it they're honestly way safer than cars. Cars have a long track record of ending lives, whereas plastic bags typically have smiley faces on them in an effort to alert you and your loved ones that they are, in fact, friendly in nature. Cars also burn gas expeditiously, yet plastic bags don't burn at all. Ask any environmental activist, plastic bags are near indestructible. Sea turtles, dolphins, and other aquatic beings tremble at the very sight of the mighty plastic bag. And so will your competition out on the battlefield when they see you strut up to the pump with a fistful of Star Markets in your grasp.

Brita Filter Pitcher

Philippe TURPIN. Getty Images.

Much like the vodka distillers of the world, Big Gas doesn't want you to know about the magical elements of a Brita filter. These suckers take some cruddy old 89 octane and turn that bitch into delicious 93 grade. I'm talking top shelf 'line for you and the whole family. Even once this shortage ends and we go back to the never-ending cycle of fluctuating fuel prices between two and four dollars, you should always keep a full Brita in the fridge. 

3-Liter Bottles of Cola

Not many people even know three liter bottles exist. But if you're the type to keep a three liter in your home, you're also the type to hoard gas for no fucking reason whatsoever. And, let's be honest, you also have multiple empty three liters on your floors at this current moment in time, so go ahead and scoop those up and learn about "recycling" while we're at it. 

Use The Toilet Paper You Bought Last Year

You still got all those rolls of toilet paper from last year, soak those in gasoline and put them in your oven for safe keeping. Keep your oven on high, approximately 500-degrees should do the trick. While you may notice you're supposed to store gas in a Brita in the fridge, the molecules respond differently once absorbed into the toilet paper. So it needs to be kept at a higher temperature to maintain homeostasis. Otherwise you're just wasting gas, and then you'd feel like a real asshole. And the best part about making jokes on the internet is I have to include this sentence that this is all a fucking joke because I'm sure as shit not getting sued for some dumbass burning down his house after soaking his old toilet paper in gasoline. Now for the obligatory Sunny clip: