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HEADS UP! There's Apparently A 10-Story, 23-Ton Chinese Rocket Plummeting Back To Earth This Weekend And Nobody Is Sure Exactly Where It's Going To Land

There is nothing, and I mean nothing as terrifying like getting a casual "HEADS UP" thrown your way when you had no idea your head had to be anywhere in the general vicinity of up one second earlier. But that's what seems to be happening with this random Chinese rocket.

NYT- No, you are almost certainly not going to be hit by a 10-story, 23-ton piece of a rocket hurtling back to Earth. 

Oh phew, false alarm. Everybody go back about their Friday!

Wait what was that?

That said, the chances are not zero. 

Ahhhh shit.

Part of China’s largest rocket, the Long March 5B, is tumbling out of control in orbit after launching a section of the country’s new space station last week. The rocket is expected to fall to Earth in what is called “an uncontrolled re-entry” sometime on Saturday or Sunday. Whether it splashes harmlessly in the ocean or impacts land where people live, why China’s space program let this happen — again — remains unclear. And given China’s planned schedule of launches, more such uncontrolled rocket re-entries in the years to come are possible.

An uncontrolled re-entry that can impact where people live with more rockets potentially doing the same in the future, huh? Are there any leads about where it MAY land?

For the Long March 5B booster, that could be anywhere between 41.5 degrees north latitude and 41.5 degrees south latitude. That means Chicago, located a fraction of a degree farther north, is safe, but major cities like New York could be hit by debris.

Giphy Images.

Well this doesn't make me feel great! I feel like if New York City was in a legit danger zone, that would be a story. But what about a remote town a few hours north of the city where I am blogging this in my underwear? And I don't want to even think of the rocket crashing in Chicago where my guys Carl, Chief, White Sox Dave, and Sweet Edward rest their precious heads.

Luckily we have this easy to read map that explains if we can expect this rocket to land on our head/living room.

Giphy Images.

For idiots like me who have noooooo clue what the hell that map said.

On Thursday, the Aerospace Corporation, a nonprofit largely financed by the federal government that performs research and analysis, predicts re-entry will occur on Saturday at 11:43 p.m. Eastern time. If that is accurate, debris could shower down over northeastern Africa, over Sudan.

Alright, so if everything is accurate, it could crash in Sudan. But if the most minor thing in the atmosphere changes, it could land anywhere. Got it.

One bonus for us is that we live in a country that loves technology and blowing shit up, so our government is probably licking its chops to show off the big swinging dick of the military to shoot this foreign intruder down if it invades US airspace.

What the fuuuuuuuck? Harry Stamper is rolling over in his grave right now after watching that video. I am a pretty relaxed person when it comes to asking my government what they are doing for me. But what the hell are my tax dollars going towards if they aren't to shoot down any random rocket plummeting on my dumb ass on a Saturday night? What a bunch of fucking malarkey. Figure it out America. Figure it out China. Figure it out Earth. How the hell do we have rockets falling into random places in the year 2021 of our Lord?