Fuck it Friday! with Willie Colon
What’s going on good people! Happy Feel Good Friday to all. This blog will consist of random thoughts and mood swings that I might go through while writing this. Coley Mic our editor and chief has suggested to all the bloggers that letting stoolies into your personal life can serve as a good thing. So I said fuck it, let them in. I do have a couple of request for you, so please follow accordingly. Now while you're laying your judgmental eyes on my blog, I need you to obey the following.
1. Pour yourself a cocktail or whatever libation you choose, take a sip, and exhale. Embrace the silence and thank the good Lord you made it to the end of the week. It doesn't matter how your week started, you're still here breathing and pushing through, so cheers to that. I do understand there happens to be some folks out there who may be going through it and I personally want to send a king size bottle of positive energy lotion their way. Apply it to your skin, rub it in a circular motion around your ass. Let it settle in for five minutes. Best used when you need a hater to kiss your ass. We all need to learn what is for you will be yours and what’s not, will find its way out of your life so let go of toxic people, stop telling people all your business, and pay attention to those who gossip about other people to you.
Take another sip.
2. Whoever decided to piss you the fuck off this week, let it go and let God handle it. I've come to realize not everyone is deserving of your energy. So fuck’em! If people control your emotion, they control you. Sure, it’s easier said than done but try it. Life is too short to be mixed up in petty bull shit. Take another sip while you're at it, atta baby.
3. Let’s briefly talk about bad habits, we all have them. Shit, I find myself doing a lot of dumb shit that I know damn well at the age of 38 I should not be doing. For instance, I have to stop pissing on the toilet seat. I know, I know…. that’s ridiclous, I’m too old for that shit. You're right! It takes five seconds to pick the toilet seat up. Smh…. I'm getting better at it. By the way, I really really need to stop using the word "fuck" so much. My wife hates it. I love to use bad words, it’s freeing, but I also understand it can come off as uneducated or a lack of vocabulary. However, there was a study done some years ago, that people who swear a lot turn out to be honest and forthright people, and that’s me. The word happens to be one of my favorite words. It just covers so many bases, you know when I say it, you understand exactly what I'm trying to say. Hell, I said fuck at least five times writing this blog. Pray for me.
Cookies are going to be the death of me, today happens to be national oatmeal cookie day. It’s my favorite cookie. Oatmeal cookies make me want to smoke a cigar in a bathtub full of cold milk and play Marco Polo with balls. Sorry, I don't know where that came from.
Take another sip.
Being a thick King isn't fucking easy, but I had a heart to heart with my self and I realized after six years of not playing a down of football in the NFL, this fucking weight has to go seriously. So far, I’m down 65 pounds and I have about eighty more to go. Yep, Iet myself go, but I packed it on and I'm going to get it off, (as i’m writing this I just slapped down some cinnamon pretzels bite from Wetzel’s Pretzels with the sweet cream) God help me!
Take another sip,
So I bought a Peloton bike, I know I’m sheep, but I had to get one. I'm an early grinder, meaning I workout at six o'clock in the morning. But now with my bike, I told myself that I refuse to turn into a clothes rack. I plan to ride this thing like a mistress looking for rent money. I will ride in the mornings and in the evenings. I’ll be burning more calories than a dog licking his balls on a hot summer day in Georgia. My co host Steven Cheah has a bike as well. He claims to be pretty bad ass on this thing. We shall see. Listen, I'm fired up about it. Honestly, the only thing holding me back from being an absolute Peloton god is the cycling shoes. I wear a size 17, I can’t find a size 17 in my size any where. So if anybody out there can help me find shoes in my size for my Peloton, let me know. I smell the beach and it just so happens to be big boy speedo weather and I'm coming in hot! So watch your wives, because I'm all thighs and belly baby.
If you're like me, you've probably got tired of sipping your drink and started gulping. That tends to happen. No judgement from me, pour up another one. Time to talk about sex baby.
Many of you may know, I currently have baby number two on the way. She will be here in early July. Thank you, Thank you. I appreciate it. I can feel it in my bones, she will be my savior and kryptonite. We went for a check up about a week ago, I was able to see her beautiful face on a the sonogram. Let me know tell you right now, she ain’t with the shits! Her mean mug was pretty amazing. She will be an ass kicker and lunch taker in a dress. My wife is doing amazing with baby number two. She has more energy, no wheel chair so far, and she only hates my existence when she’s hungry. When she was pregnant with my son, considering it was our first, she was worn out everyday. I really felt bad for her. She ended up in a wheel chair the last two months of her pregnancy and I even had to get her a bed side potty so she wouldn’t have to take the long walks to the bathroom in the middle of the night. While my son was in the womb, he was pressed against her sciatic nerve and it was taking a lot out of her. She a tough mother fucker, let us raise our glasses to all the real moms who fought through nine months of being tired, fat, bloated, irritable, mood swings, laughter and tears. So keep us in your prayers, Baby Girl Colon will be here soon.
On the flip side of that amazing news, I haven't had sex in 2 months, and I can’t stand too close to a key hole because I might ejaculate. My balls are heavy, it feel like I'm walking around with two piggy banks in my underwear. Sure there is pornhub and all different types things that can assist me. I love making love to my wife, there is nothing like the real thing. I get tired of abusing myself. That demon seed that screams out to me slows my day down. I tried to flush one out in the shower the other day and my wife caught me. She said it sounded like I was crying and choking at the same time. The look on her face was the same look I saw Forest Gump face when he thought Jenny was getting beat up but she was getting banged in the back of a station wagon. My wife was coming to save me, she swung open the shower door and here I am, my face locked up like the evil bitch from that horror movie the Grudge. Talk about shame! The fat kid inside always want a sandwich and a nap after I release the hounds. God forbid if we run out of cheese, it will send me into a fucking deep depression. My wife looks amazing but she has a belly and I have a belly, she doesn't want my big ass on top of her, bumping bellies in the dark while the both us try to keep it hot. The last time I bumped belly’s with a women in a bed in a dark room, she didn't do the typical walk of shame and wear one of my hoodies back to her dorm room. This big back beauty borrowed my knees sleeves because it was leg day and she was excited to hang clean snatch in front of her teammates and talk about us playing bumper cars three o'clock in the morning.
Before I let you wacky kids start your weekend, I want to say thank you to everyone for pushing me to blog more and expose more of myself. This is all new to me. I left the field and hit the media world. It’s been a journey but I’m learning valuable life lessons along the way. Thank you to my brothers Large, Cons, and a list of others for always having my back and supporting me. Enjoy your weekend, drink responsibly.