Porch Pirate Pro Tip: Never Let a Little Thing Like Going Topless Stop You From Getting Them Packages

Source - There’s not a lot to be proud of when it comes to committing a crime, but still, many will stop at nothing to get it done.

For one woman, a wardrobe malfunction wouldn't stop her from claiming her prize, which was a package on the front porch of a Houston home.

It all happened in just a few seconds. The woman pulled into the driveway and ran up to the porch. In the video, you can see she was in a hurry. She grabbed the package and quickly drove away.  

You can also hear the homeowner inside, who was hoping to stop the thief. The irony of the topless thief? The package was a dress from Nordstrom.

Harris County Precinct 1 is now involved.

“We’ve got some suspects in mind. We got a pretty clear look at the vehicle and of the person,” Constable Alan Rosen said.

You're damn right the thin blue line down at Precinct 1 will have some suspects. They just need to match the camera footage with the right photo in the mugshot book they keep labeled "Highly Professional Master Thieves." Because that is what they are dealing with here. This is no rank amateur. It's not just some meth tweaker looking to fence stolen property and get high. This little Porch Pirate Wench is a highly skilled, thorough career criminal. The kind who, when she's not snatching and grabbing a Nordstrom's dress off your stoop would be conducting a bank job, a heist of precious gems or lifting priceless artwork out of a museum. 

I mean, look at that composure. Those steely nerves. Those are the moves of someone who's made her way down a hallway filled with lasers in a leather cat suit. She knew exactly what to do if her top went Suns Out/ Guns Out in the middle of the job. It's like she planned for just that contingency. Practiced it, even. One hand on her DD's, the other on the package. Keep your cool. Don't slow down. Don't stop for anything. Finish the operation. Handling her loose boobs like that make her a one woman Ocean's 11. Oceans 2. 

So yeah, she's probably, as they say, known to the police. That is, assuming she's ever been caught. It shouldn't surprise us if they've never caught up to her, she's just that good. She could've been pulling jobs all over the place and slipping out as the trail goes cold. Maybe she's got a hundred Constable Rosens stymied, but vowing not to rest or retire until they crack the case of the Tittay Bandit. I like that thought. Because as much as I want justice for the homeowner who lost a Nordstrom dress and got nothing for her trouble but some grainy footage of a giant nip slip, there's something romantic about the idea of this saucy little heartbreaker outwitting the cops at every turn. 

So good luck to the cops. I hope they get their woman. That they match her areola to the ones in their crime database and haul her in. But I'd be lying if I said I a part of me wouldn't love to be her partner in crime. It's not about stealing as much as it is the thrill of the chase.