Liar, Liar, Pants On Fucking Fire
"So someone else is just going to show up at the wedding and marry this woman Ashley? She's not going to know her husband is missing the night before the wedding? The day before that maybe, when he's hanging out in Tampa? And then when this new guy shows up? What are the people in the wedding party going to say? What are the groomsmen going to say when he shows up? "Who the fuck are you?" Oh I'm filling in for this guy because he went to the Super Bowl, so I'm going to marry her." (4:17)
"Also there are no backstage passes to the winners locker room, okay? Fans don't get to go into the locker room after the game because they have a backstage pass. That doesn't fucking happen." (5:10)
People who do CrossFit: "We're not gym members. We're ATHLETES now."
Jim: "All of a sudden you're an athlete because you work out in a warehouse." (7:12)
"She's going to tear a rotator cuff or she's going to fucking fracture her back by fucking lifting weights that she shouldn't be lifting and then she's going to realize, you know what, I should just go to Planet Fitness and go walk on a treadmill." (8:00)
"No 4 year old wants to eat that fucking shit. That's just the douchebag parents letting everyone know my kid doesn't eat pizza and chicken fingers. (11:55)
"If you're going to lie about your 3 year old watching college football, at least make a good story up. Like you know she won $500 on the Florida/LSU game." (14:20)
"When she's 15 years old and she's mad at her Dad, "you told me one day I could be a college football player, why would you tell me that? You know I can't make the team. I got no shot. I weigh fucking 105 pounds, I'm 5'1. Why'd you tell me that when I was 3?" (16:30)
"You gave him everything you had? So you handed over your watch? You gave him your iPhone? I don't think so because you made up this fake post. Did you give him your wedding ring? Did you give him the pin number to your credit cards?" (18:29)
"He gave him everything he had on him. Well how much was it? If this did happen I bet it was 3 dollars. Like 3 singles. Because if it would've been a lot of money like $50 or $100, you know he would've bragged about how much he gave the guy." (22:40)
"You gave the guy a few bucks. You didn't run into a burning building and save a fucking baby, dude." (23:12)
“The old lady remained silent for a few seconds. Did you count? Were you there counting 1, 2, 3, 4, and then she started talking again?" (24:33)
"Your moral is be nice to old people? Everybody knows that. Respect your elders. That fucking phrase has been around for fucking ever." (29:28)
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