It Turns Out Putting A "Not Drunk" Bumper Sticker On Your Car Is Not Enough Evidence To Avoid A DUI

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Driver: Uhh, no sir, I actually don't. My bumper sticker clearly explains why I was swerving across lanes. 

Man, I really thought it would work. That'd be like wearing a t-shirt through TSA that says, "NOT Smuggling Drugs" or making your Limewire username NotIllegallyDownloading. Sounds like a full proof plan, no? No one would ever expect it. But alas, it turns out the best way to avoid getting a DUI is simply to not drink and drive. The tried and true method. Or in this case, don't drink, drive, and do cocaine. 

After a search of the vehicle, the deputy found multiple empty beer cans and a baggie of cocaine in the center console, officials said.

Okay, so the man likes to party. But what I think is more criminal than driving around intoxicated (highly illegal) is the fact that he's driving around in a red Volkswagen Jetta with multiple bumperstickers. I mean, what a loser. Are these people not the WORST? I personally run the zero bumpersticker system, but I think we can all agree that outside of perhaps an Ohio State block O with the word Alumni below it, there isn't anything cool or funny about slapping a sticker onto the back of your car. Multiple? You suck. Miss me with the 26.2 marathon runners. Miss me with the stick figure families. And definitely miss me with anything political. Toss a Middle School Honor Roll sticker on the back of the van if you really want to show off your 12 year old kid, but that's where I draw the line. Everything else sucks.

And you know what else sucks? This guy.

Cannon later admitted to having a concealed pistol: a loaded Glock handgun. The deputy took the weapon and later noticed the gun did not have a serial number. Deputies later found that Cannon was already a convicted felon and was also driving on a suspended license.

A real All-American hero, this one is. Just having himself a small town Saturday night. Busch Light, cocaine, and guns. Speeding and swerving past cops, and then apparently being so drunk that he backed up into one once he got pulled over.

The deputy pulled over Cannon, who initially didn’t respond when the deputy called out to him. Instead, Cannon’s vehicle rolled backward about 25 feet, hitting the front of the deputy’s patrol car, officials said.

The deputy asked Cannon why he let the Jetta roll into the patrol car. Cannon replied, “I didn’t know that happened.”

Ah, the middle school in-class defense. "Billy, quit talking". -- "I wasn't talking". It's a he said / he said. Deny, deny, deny. One person knows they're completely right, but they can't prove it. Uhh, except in this case, where I'm sure the cop car got the old reverse fender bender. I wonder if the bumpersticker got dinged up.