The Tokyo Olympics 'Playbook' Calls for No Cheering, No Bars, No Sex. Good Luck with That.

Like pretty much everything else that doesn't involve watching TV, online shopping and arguing about protocols with people who were suddenly using the word "efficacy" for the first time in their lives, the 2020 Summer Olympics in Toyko were pushed back. In their case, to this coming July. Because while Augusta National could find the same weather in November that they have in April, there's no season in Japan that equates to summer other than summer. So it didn't make practical sense to schedule beach volleyball and sailing competitions for February and just hope for the best. 

But also like everything else in 2020, the world continues to be a goatfuck of historic proportions. Not even the most optimistic projection has us back to our old carefree, gadabout lives of joyfully exchanging body fluids with strangers from around the globe. According to one poll, 80% of the Japanese people want to forget the whole thing and just replace it with reruns of Montreal '76 so they can see Bruce Jenner or whatever. 

But if there's one thing we know about the International Olympic Committee, it's that they are filthy rich, corrupt kleptocrats on a scale that makes the NCAA look like the Jedi Council. And like the NCAA, they recognize there's a lot of money to be made from running sponsor-funded sporting events featuring amazing athletes you, according to your own rules, you're not allowed to pay. 

So this thing is going off as scheduled. Florida's offer to take it off of Toyko's hands has been rejected. And the solution to the problems? Simple. Take away all the things that make going to an Olympics worth the bother. 

Source - No cheering for athletes, no visiting bars and restaurants in Tokyo, less intimacy in the Olympic village.

Take enough masks for the entire stay but avoid wearing one with an unofficial sponsor logo.

Do not use public transport without permission.

The Ground rules were published Wednesday. And here some of the bullet points:

• Avoid hugs, high fives and handshakes. 
• Prepare a list of all people they expect to have close contact with while in Japan. This list must be sent to the COVID-19 liaison officer at their sport’s governing body. …
• Follow only the activities in a personal plan — how they will travel, where they will go and stay.
• Leave official accommodation only to go to official sports venues and “limited additional locations.”
• Support athletes in their sport’s venue by clapping instead of singing or chanting.
• Do not visit game venues as a spectator.
• Limit physical contact with athletes, maintaining a two-meter distance at all times, except for “operational reasons” such as in the field of play or training areas. This points toward limits on athletes partying and the intimate relations that are a traditional feature of Olympic villages. 
• Do not visit tourist areas, shops, restaurants and bars or gyms.

Self-isolation. No human contact. Report all your activities to the authorities. Account for your whereabouts at all time. No raising your voice. No watching the other events. No partying with the others. No intimate relations. No visiting the fun parts of the city. 

Where does an aspiring shot putter or rhythmic gymnast sign up for this non-stop, adrenaline-fueled happy hour? This is the Olympic Games if they were a sleepaway camp run by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Have fun at your 1000m freestyle event. But when you get out of the pool, just make sure you and your teammates leave enough space between you for the Holy Spirit. And remember shouting is the Devil's Work. And for heaven's sake, cover up with a towel. 

Sounds like a blast. In Rio they gave out something on the order of 450,000 condoms. Because they recognize that since the time of the Ancient Greeks, the Olympics have been all about gathering the most fit, athletic and hormonal young adults in the world to compete, get drunk, and swap DNA. Why else would they put in all that time and training? Just to win a medal? You can get one just like it at a school science fair with a baking soda volcano. In spite of what they tell NBC, they're not all their to honor their dead grandma. They sacrifice to make it because they recognize that the Olympics are basically a two week, quadrennial Mardi Gras. Only with more debauchery and a collective body fat index about 98% lower. 

So yeah, good like with your Abstinence Games, Tokyo. If you're smart, you'll push it back another year. Otherwise you're going to end up throwing the worst, most pointless party in the history of the world.