Florida Man Has His Florida Manliness Written All Over His Face

Source - Meet Matthew Kyle Leatham, a 22-year-old Florida Man (as that forehead tattoo attests).

Leatham was arrested around 4:45 AM Sunday after he twice “called 911 to find a ride home,” according to a court complaint which notes that the accused “cursed at the call taker during the call.”

Since the police emergency line does not double as a taxi dispatcher, Leatham was charged with misuse of the 911 system. He was also hit with a marijuana possession charge after a cop found some pot on him during a post-arrest search.

Leatham, who works as a cook at a Port Richey seafood restaurant, was released on his own recognizance last night from the Pasco County jail.

Leatham was cited last month for reckless driving following a crash that caused an estimated $8500 in damages, according to a court filing. 

If about 33% of all the inspirational quote memes on Instagram are to be believed, you shouldn't judge people from what you see on the outside. That they all have struggles and issues we can't understand and we need to be sympathetic. And while that's a nice thought, it's not always true. Sometimes you can tell exactly what a someone is all about with one glance. And if it please the court, I'd like to have this mugshot of Matthew Kyle Leatham marked as Exhibit A and publish it to the jury. 

After all, what is a tattoo if not our way of telling the world, "This is how I would like you to think of me." As Coach Finstock put it to Scott Howard, "There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese." By the same token, I regard any neck tattoo as saying "You do NOT want to hire me." And a map of America's Wang between your eyes screams, "I'm going to be a pain in the ass to the point my ride will ditch me at 4:00 in the morning, bitch out a 911 operator and be holding when the cops arrive." 

You have to give him credit. At least he's trying to maximize his Florida Manliness. Maybe not with a crippling meth addiction, a history of domestic violence and the Stars and Bars hanging on the wall inside his doublewide like so many of his countrymen. (We think.) But in the form of a permanent ink blot that anyone taking a Rorschach Test would look at and say it looks like a 22-year-old fry cook who doesn't know how Uber works. That nothing if not being committed to the bit. 

So let us all bend the knee to Matthew I, the King of All Florida Men. Long may he reign.