Introducing Moodbeam, a Wristband That Let You Tell Your Boss When You're Unhappy

BBC - At first glance the silicone wristband could be mistaken for one that tracks your heart rate when you are doing exercise.

However, the wearable technology, called a Moodbeam, isn't here to monitor your physical health. Instead it allows your employer to track your emotional state.

The gadget, which links to a mobile phone app and web interface, has two buttons, one yellow and one blue. The idea is that you press the yellow one if you are feeling happy, and the blue one if you are sad.

Aimed at companies who wish to monitor the wellbeing of staff who are working from home, the idea is that employees are encouraged to wear the wristband (they can say no), and press the relevant button as they see fit throughout the working week. 

Managers can then view an online dashboard to see how workers are feeling and coping. With bosses no longer able to check in physically with their team, Moodbeam hopes to bridge the gap.

From the people who built ancient pyramids and temples to the people who built wooden ships to the people who built Google, there has been one thing they've all had in common: Their bosses didn't know how they were feeling. From taskmasters with whips to supervisors with clipboards to surveillance cameras and computer access, they could always see what you were doing and punish you for getting out of line. But your thoughts were your own. So long as you mastered the art of hiding your emotions behind a placid, expressionless face, you had one last bastion of privacy in the workplace: Your own brain. 

That is, until now. 

Thanks, tech. This is exactly what we needed. Especially now with so many people working from home, where they have a reasonable expectation of privacy. And who wants that? How many times have you thought to yourself, "You know what would really make for some job satisfaction and give my career a boost? If my supervisor could get inside my headspace! I'm so sick and tired of her not being able to read my mind. If only there was some device I could wear that would help her monitor my inner being!"

Well the good folks at Moodbeam heard you and came up with a solution! No more will you have to hide your dissatisfaction with your spirit-destroying drudgery. Never again will you need to stare into the middle distance around your superiors so they can't see the look of despair that lurks just behind your eyes. Why, those bathroom breaks where you sit in the stall for no other reason than to have a private space to sob quietly about your life choices and utter lack of prospects will no longer be necessary thanks to Moodbeam! Because as any experienced worker will tell you, having your boss know that you're miserable works out well every time it's tried. Any supervisor worth their salary will support you, empathize, blame themselves, and do whatever it takes to turn that frown upside down. To put the "un" in "unhappy" into the shredder and make all your wishes come true.

And why stop at Happy and Unhappy? Surely we have the technology to express more than just binary feelings. Let's run the whole gamut of human emotions. Let's add "Desperate," "Clinically Depressed," "Unmotivated," "Homicidal," "Drunk," "Asleep," and "Watching Porn" while we're at it. To give the people who run the company full access to your emotional state. 

So again, thanks to technology we no longer have to waste time keeping our thoughts and emotions to ourselves. Instead we can direct that energy being more productive and make more money for the people who have access to our brains. And live in world that's a cross between a "Black Mirror" episode and that "Twilight Zone" where the little kid could read your mind and would zap you into something grotesque if you were thinking unhappy thoughts. And the crazy part is, we're doing it to ourselves. What a world.