Cheers!... 25 Toasts Every Man Should Know For New Years Eve
I am not in the business of promoting content that is not exclusively Barstool's, but since this subject hasn't been breached before in these pages, I am left with no choice...
According to some website called artofmanliness.com, there are 100 Skills That Every Man Should Know.
And unfortunately, as I look down the list, I find that I am batting about .500 on the scale of what the good people at this site consider a real man.
Shine shoes?... No problem.
Treat a snakebite?... Problem (Maybe piss on it?)
Parallel Park?... Ehhh. Kinda.
Fix a leaky faucet?... Fuck, no.
Tell a joke?... Yep... Just ask the rabbi, priest, and transgender who are about to walk into that bar.
Do a deadlift, squat, or pull-up properly?... Nope, nope, and nope.
Grill with charcoal?... Yes.
Perform CPR?... No.
I can throw a spiral, change a flat (wife taught me), break down a door, change a diaper, unclog a toilet, play poker, cook a steak, fry an egg, shoot a gun, dance, carve a turkey, properly pour a beer, and drive in snow.
However, I cannot skipper a boat, always know North, identify poisonous and edible plants, treat frostbite, play one song on the guitar, change my car's oil, whistle with my fingers, drive stick, and (maybe most surprisingly), no matter how hard I try, I cannot shuffle cards... My fat fingers consistently fuck it up leaving a mess of scattered cards.
So if you invite me over for a poker night, I am bringing this...
Now, many of you are probably judging me based on what I can and cannot do from the list...
You: "What type of sissy can't drive a stick?"
Me: "Me."
But, unlike you, I am not in the habit of judging. Instead, I am in the habit of helping. So when I got to number 88 on the list of 100 Skills Every Man Should Know, I saw an opportunity to lend a hand.
88. MAKE A TOAST
Seems simple enough, but I have seen more flubbed toasts than a forgetful short-order cook (not my best metaphor), and I have seen the most confident of men step up to make a toast and start shaking like Michael J Fox making me a martini (better).
To remedy this, I decided in late November to begin posting on TikTok a toast-of-the-day to coincide with a double-shot-of-the-day Advent Calendar I bought in Stew Leonard's on a whim.
I don't really enjoy TikTok or understand its appeal, so mixing it with 2 things I love (alcohol and public speaking) lessened the pain of being on that God-forsaken platform of pre-pubescent gyrators.
Since I am a company man, I will continue posting shit on TikTok (I am thinking about maybe doing a daily "Twisted Fact" to promote the podcast), so you can follow me here if you need something to look at whilst you shit.
Otherwise, I wrote down all 25 toasts (and their corresponding double shot), so you can easily step up to the plate this New Year's Eve and knock that bitch out of the park.
Oh… And I tried to keep them all short and relatively PG (meaning, I never say "cunt") because I think a classic brief-butt-sexy cheer is the only way to go…
(this is a classic cheer that briefly shows a sexy butt)
… AND to protect the younger audience that tends to be on that platform watching other young girls flop their asses around to Megan Thee Stallion.
Here they are…
Day 1- Apple Pie Moonshine: "Here’s to being single, drinking doubles, and seeing triple."
Day 2- Red Shank Irish Whiskey: "May your only pain be champagne."
Day 3- 190 Proof Grain Alcohol: "Here's to all the kisses we've snatched and all the snatches we've kissed." (This one was viewed almost 200,000 times, for some reason… Even though I only had 1,000 followers at the time.)
Day 4- White Tequila (with Troopz AFC): "Don't sweat the petty stuff, but ALWAYS pet the sweaty stuff."
Day 5- Cookies & Cream Liqueur (over Rice Krispies): "No matter the length, no matter the size, all that matters is you make it rise."
Day 6- Vodka: "Vodka. No OJ. No straw. When you give it to me… Yay… Give it to me raw." -Method Man
Day 7- Gold Coast Rum (lit on fire): "To gunpowder and women… One brings us into this world and one brings us out, and I love the smell of both."
Day 8- Irish Cream: "Here's to staying positive while testing negative."
Day 9- Bourbon (with Willie): "Another day, another bender… No retreat. No surrender."
Day 10- Pumpkin Spice Liqueur (Hannukah): "To panties… They're not the best thing in the world, but they're damn close to it."
Day 11- Old Fashioned: "To the floor… Who will hold us when no one else will."
Day 12- Rumple Minze (w/ Blue Cheese): "To virgins and lesbians… Thanks for nothing."
Day 13- Sweet Tea Vodka: "May you die at 90, under the covers. Shot in the face by a jealous lover."
Day 14- Dry Gin (w/ Zah): "To all those who wish us well… All the rest can go to hell."
Day 15- Horchata: "To the storks that bring good babies. To the crows that bring bad babies. And to the swallows that bring no babies at all."
Day 16- Wisconsin Brandy: "To women and beer… Both are so much better when they're not flat."
Day 17- Eggnog: "To nipples… Without them, breasts would be pointless."
Day 18- Moonshine (w/ Pat): "Everybody needs to believe in something. I believe I will have another drink."
Day 19- Black Haus: "Here's to hell… May the stay there be as enjoyable as the way there."
Day 20- New Amsterdam Vodka and Advil: "Friends may come and friends may go, but liquor is here to smooth the blow."
Day 21- Manhattan (w/ Jetski): "Here's to nights we will never remember with friends we will never forget."
Day 22- Absynth: "Take her easy, and if she's easy, take her twice."
Day 23- Cinnamon Whiskey: "May you be in heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you're dead."
Day 24- Rum: "The reason that Santa is always so jolly is that he knows where all the naughty girls live."
Day 25- Irish Cream (with St Anne): This final toast was dedicated to Dave and the Barstool Fund- "You've never lived a day until you've done something for someone who can never repay you."
And that's it for this year… Enjoy New Year's Eve, everyone.
And may the best of this year be the worst of next because 2020 can take a fucking report… Cheers!
-Large