Shout Out To This Ancient Citizen Of Pompeii Who Died Doing What He Loved...Jerking Off

Fucking Eddie, man. Look how excited he gets about these volcano statue people in Pompeii. Blew his mind right out of his skull when he saw all these people just permanently stuck in rock as they were the minute the ash hit. I only wish I had remembered to tell him about the guy who was mid jerk RIGHT when the city was frozen for all of time. 

This guy:

I can just picture him sitting there hearing faint screams in the background and the guy just closing his eyes, trying to focus on the task at hand, and thinking that whatever emergency out there can wait until he's done. Then...WHOOSH! Volcanic Ash'd into eternity. Immortalized as the horny jerk off guy. All time bad break. Could've happened to any of us. As a measure of solidarity I think we should all agree that this guy had a wrench and that the top half of his dick just got broken off. Nice hog, guy. 

My heart goes out to him. I feel like jerking off was an intense form of meditation back then. I mean there are ZERO visuals. The entire internet is freaking out about Pornhub deleting 80% of their videos this week. Well imagine trying to get one off in Pompeii in 79 AD. You're basically jerking off to cave paintings. I'd be more stimulated by punching in 58008 on my TI-83 and flipping it upside down. This guy was doing it all on his own. No internet, no lotion, and just trying to rub one out in private for a couple minutes and now he's been stuck like that for two millennia. Just dusty and chaffed and not enough people thinking that half of his dick snapped off and he had a Nick Foles hog. 

Listen to the full episode here

PS: Obligatory